🇬🇧Gloria

I wrote my life in four stages. Stage one is just growing up — my faith during that time, and how God was working in me. I used to say that growing up I had a very good relationship with God; but the more I reflect on it, I think — and I suspect this is common, especially for teenagers — that it was good only in the sense that I was constantly talking with God, and praying.

I went to some services, but over time I realised it was a very one-sided relationship. "Selfish" is a strong word, but I was always asking God to help me, and waiting for him to provide. I never really gave back. It might have looked like I was investing back, but deep down, I wasn't doing it actively.

When it came to the community, I did some simple things, but I was always quite scared — always thinking I wasn't capable of giving back. I told myself, "I'm just a basic second gen, I can't really do much." My parents were national leaders and we were very active in the community, but I was always just there, never taking initiative. Still, I'd compare myself to other second gens and think: at least I have a good relationship with God, I believe in True Parents, I don't struggle with that.

So I kept telling myself I was satisfied with where I was. But because I wasn't really taking responsibility for my faith or investing, once I began making friends in middle school and high school, I started noticing that I was living a double life. I'd go to workshops and Sunday services with a certain pure second-gen persona; outside in school, my friends wouldn't even know I was religious. Guilt accumulated from that. I felt bad, but I told myself: what am I supposed to do?

It wasn't that I lacked confidence in my faith — I just never put in the effort to tell other people, or act on the guilt. I lived this way for years. Every time Uncle Bon sees me, he calls me such a happy, happy person. Recently I was introducing a guest, and Uncle Brian told them, "She's such a happy person, you should just be around her." I really appreciate that, because a few years back, I was actually the opposite.

I was pessimistic about life. I always thought bad things were happening to me. I'd analyse every small problem, and make it much bigger than it was. Looking back, that was because I never brought any of it to God, or reached out to family or community. I just tried to fix everything myself, when the problem wasn't even that big.

I lived like that until around the Corona period. Then in 2022, I had a very deep experience where life hit a low point. Two of my friends from high school, from the same friend group, passed away a month apart. Both were close to me. It was a shock to me, to our friend group, and to our class, and I didn't know how to deal with sudden grief.

It was so sudden that nobody really knew how to go about it. I tried to turn to God, because I still valued my relationship with him, even though it wasn't very deep. I told him: "I know this is not you, I know it's not your fault, it just happened. I don't want to feel any negative emotions towards you. I don't want to blame you. So give me a little time. I'll keep some distance, but I promise I'll come back."

I distanced myself from God for a few months, and from my family and community. I didn't have a good reason, but going through grief at 18 isn't easy. It was a brain-altering experience. That time is blurry — I don't remember much. I lost myself in a way. I wasn't connecting to anyone or to God, and I didn't know how to go about my life. I never went into clinical depression, thankfully, but every day for months felt frozen — like I was in shock.

More guilt piled up, because I kept making excuses to my family about where I was and what I was doing. I wasn't reaching out. I made excuses about Sunday service and community activities. I'm very grateful to my family for giving me space, but I felt bad that I didn't know how to handle it.

The turning point came that summer. My mom asked me one thing — "please, just do this, there's a workshop in Austria, just five days, please go, it will be good for you." I thought: I do have good memories of workshops, and maybe now is a moment when reconnecting would be good. So I went. The organisers were running the workshop for the first time, and honestly, it was the worst-planned one I'd ever been to — not because it was bad, but because they were new.

But there was one activity — every workshop has something like this for second gens, an evening dedicated to connecting with God. At this one, we wrote letters to God. I thought, "oh my god, okay, let's see how this goes." I sat in a corner of the big hall in Athens, if anyone has ever been, and stared at my paper. I hadn't talked to God in four months, and didn't know what to say. After about fifteen or twenty minutes I thought: I have to do something — might as well just start. I started writing, and I was really honest.