Dr. Yeunhee Chang

A lot of the work that I'm doing is already controversial, so maybe you should expect a little bit more controversy. I've been giving this story at the 40-day workshop. More than a testimony, I want it to be a story — I think people remember stories. I've had really good feedback and response. I've received many letters, and also people just opening up their heart and sharing about their own difficulties going to the Blessing. If anything, that's what I aim for in sharing my story.

What is my story? So, I was Blessed in 2009, and at that time I was 32. The reason why I was older than usual is that back then, many of my age group got married already when they were 21. There's a story behind that. I was actually matched when I was 19 — all my friends were at camp at that time, and everybody got matched. It was during Kwon Jin Moon and Sun Jin Moon's wedding engagement time, and parents also wanted to match all of their friends or their age group. I didn't really want to go to the Blessing then — I was 19 years old, I got matched, and it was decided that I wasn't going to go.

At that time, if you got matched and you broke your matching, you got this yellow sticker on the back of your application. Before meeting my husband, I was actually Blessed twice, and they both ended. The first one didn't end well — it was a very painful process, and I won't share too much about what happened. My two broken Blessings were the red stickers, and my broken matching was the yellow sticker. So I had this yellow sticker and two red stickers on the back of my Blessing application for many years, and it became a burden or shame that I held on to. I don't necessarily think it was completely my fault — I think it was the circumstances.

But this is a very different time in the history of our movement — a time where you don't break the Blessing, and that was a very strong rule. Actually, the first time when I got Blessed, they were talking about how I was not allowed to go to that Blessing because I had broken my matching prior. One of the leaders actually pleaded my case to True Father, and then Father did match me, but it didn't work out in the end.

So I was very superstitious. I thought, oh, maybe it's because I tried to skip my indemnity — that's why my Blessing didn't work out. We have all these teachings and concepts, and I really felt guilty for a long time. My path to meeting my husband was not an easy path — it was very, very tumultuous. I ran through many difficult periods, and when the second Blessing didn't work out for me, that was the first time I contemplated taking my life.

I was living in the Carp Center in Korea, because I had originally come to Korea to be with the first person I was Blessed to, but then things didn't work out. I'll just say that he was a Korean man raised in Korea — I was a Korean woman raised in the Western world, and I didn't realize how Western I was. After that Blessing, I was living in Canada, and he was in Korea. So we didn't have a lot of interaction, but there was just a lot of misunderstanding.

When I finally came to Korea, things didn't work out. And I was told, you're getting old — and at that time I was 22. They're telling me you're getting old, you're getting old, you have to go to the next Blessing. I think I was 23 or 24 when I went to the second one. And I remember one of the leaders was telling me, you have to get married quickly — what if you can't have any children? And I was 24 then. So back then, being 24 and not married meant that you were an old maid — it was just, oh my God, who's going to take you.

But the thing is, the first Blessing had started my family, so I wasn't a virgin. On top of the fact that I had broken my Blessing, I wasn't a virgin anymore. I won't necessarily say that I thought people were thinking, oh, she's not a virgin, but it was more myself — I felt like I'm used goods, who's going to want me. And I thought this way for many years. Every single time — after it became the parents matching — I always told my parents, you have to tell them that I'm not a virgin first. Tell them I'm not a virgin, and if they accept that, then I will agree to meet with them, because I didn't want them to feel like they were tricked or lied to. So I had this downgraded view of myself because I was not a virgin anymore.

I was in Korea — my second Blessing had broken. I was matched by True Father the day before the Blessing — I got Blessed — and then the next day we ended the Blessing. So that was very traumatizing for me. And I contemplated taking my life, and I was thinking of where should I go to kill myself. In our church, we are taught that if you commit suicide, you will be stuck — you won't be able to leave that place. So I thought I should pick a beautiful spot, and I was thinking about going to Jeju Island — I was thinking all these crazy things. And of course I didn't have the courage to do it.

My parents were upset with me, and I felt embarrassed — I felt just so many things. And I felt like, now people are just going to think that I failed. I failed. So I remember this one day I was sitting in the Carp Center, and I was just sick of all of this — just sick of this whole atmosphere. But I never threw away the desire of wanting to get Blessed. I know that there are people who go to the Blessing who have a bad experience and then they resent the church, they resent your parents, and they leave the church. But I was not like that. I still wanted to receive the Blessing, but I had all these fixed negative ideas about myself.

So after that, I remember one day I was sitting in my room and I said to God, just give me a break — at least let me just make tons of money, let me just make a lot of money. And at that time I was teaching English. Three days later, I got this call from one of the directors from the second generation office. And he said, I want to introduce someone to you, but it's a famous person — the manager of a famous actor — and they're looking for English teachers. Do you want to do it? And I was like, yeah, I'll do it.

I couldn't believe it — oh my God, he's a famous actor! But then he was like, you have to promise me that you're not going to do anything stupid. And I was like, of course I'm not. I mean, I had gone through these two past experiences and I was very scared of men. I felt like men are all liars and I can't trust them. So I went to this meeting where I met this manager — he interviewed me, he liked me.

So he asked me, are there any actors in Korea that you know? I named a few people and he scoffed at me — he laughed because they were just nobodies in his mind. And then I was like, well, who's the person you're going to introduce me to? And apparently he was one of the most famous actors in Korea, but he didn't tell me who it was. He said, just be at the meeting on this day. So I go there and I'm waiting — he's late, two hours late. I'm very upset and I'm thinking, who does this man think he is? I'm sitting here waiting for him for two hours and he's not coming.

All of a sudden I look out the window and there's this beautiful, tall, muscular man—the first type of Korean man I'd ever seen who looked like that. He comes out of this van, and those vans are a certain type that only famous people ride in, in Korea. So if you're ever in Korea and you see that van, you know there's a famous person in there. This man comes out and walks over, and I'm thinking, wow, he's handsome. He comes to the restaurant and sits right in front of me, and I'm thinking, oh boy, I'm in trouble—because he's really handsome. And I thought, okay, but you're second gen, you have to keep it together. You're just teaching him English because you need to make money to go to UTS. I really wanted to go to Unification Theological Seminary all throughout my high school life, and I told myself: keep focused.

The actor turned out to be someone incredibly famous. He didn't know that I didn't know who he was—he had no idea. He found out almost six months later. And my friends were telling me, "Oh, Yeunhee, this is a test. Now that you've broken your Blessing, you're being tested—you better not fail your test." So I actually took that to heart. And of course he's such a beautiful man and he's very sweet to me. He gave me gifts and I was just enamored by him. In my heart I was like, oh, he's so wonderful. But then I was like, no—you're a second generation.

And then it came to this point where the management company told me that I had to start teaching him in his apartment—I couldn't teach him in his office anymore. To me that was, oh no, that's dangerous. I instantly thought, I'm going to be alone with a man who's not my husband. That's the kind of education I received. And so I thought I'd better ask my mom for permission, and that's how she happened to be in Korea.

I went to meet her on the subway, and I thought, okay, better ask her in a public place so she doesn't freak out on me. I said, "Mom, the management company said I have to teach so-and-so in his apartment. Can I do it?" And she was like, "Yeah, do it." I'm like, "Really? You're not worried about me being alone with him at the apartment?" And she said, "Why would he ruin his image over someone like you? You're like a nobody." And I thought, really? Okay. I was just really surprised—I was not expecting that kind of reaction. And I thought, mom, are you really my mom? Did you pick me up from under a bridge somewhere? I couldn't understand her response.

But I felt like, okay, since I got her permission, the spirit world will protect me. That's what I was thinking—that's very superstitious. So I started teaching him in his apartment and we became very good friends. I tried to witness to him. He's a man—of course he tried to catch my attention or whatever—but I was actually very naive. I didn't understand what he was doing.

For some reason, while I was with him in his apartment, I felt like there was this bubble around me where I didn't feel the emotions of how much I liked him. I didn't feel those emotions when I was with him, so I could focus on the lesson. And then the moment I left, I thought, oh my goodness, he's so handsome, he's so nice. Why can't there be second generation like that? And all those kinds of things.

After I was there for about two years, they introduced me to many other actors—I taught two other actors—but then they wanted me to become the English teacher for their entire entertainment company. I didn't know this at the time, but when I eventually left, I realized that the actors in that entertainment office were the most famous people in Korea at that time. A lot of people told me I was stupid to leave, that I should have stayed there. I remember telling the entertainment office, "I'm sorry, but I have to go now," and they're like, "Why are you going?" I was making really good money—buying all the clothes I wanted, eating all the food I wanted—but I wasn't feeling a purpose. I had the money I needed, and I just couldn't teach English for the money.

I told them I'm going to the theological seminary, and they were like, "What—you want to be a pastor?" And I was like, yes. And they just thought, where is this girl from? I remember the actor—every time he tried to make an advance, I just ignored it. I didn't even recognize it. And I think he thought I was playing hard to get or something. But I just never expected that he would be interested in me, because there are so many beautiful women around him.

And I already had this perceived idea that I was used goods. If anyone found out that I had been Blessed twice—I mean, I wasn't legally married—but I had this stigma about myself, and I just never thought that anyone would want me. I shared with them that I'm in the church, that I had an arranged marriage and this had happened. And later he wanted to talk more about the church, and so I was witnessing to him. But here's how I left: I came to UTS, and while I was there, it was one of the best times of my life studying there.

There were about 80 students—I'm pretty sure it was 80; I was looking through pictures trying to count. And to my understanding there were 80, maybe 60 Koreans. True Parents had invited all of the Korean pastors who were living in Japan to get their degrees first. And somehow, while I was there, people found out that I had taught this actor.

Some elder, pioneering Korean wives found out, and they would come up to me and tell me how stupid I was—I should have tried to do something with the actor. Because True Parents actually allow first and second gen to get married if it's a public figure. So they were telling me these funny things, and I just felt, oh my God, I even lost my opportunity—my chance. Then I'm never going to get Blessed.

At that time I was 27, and my mother was trying to introduce me to somebody, but it just never worked—I just didn't feel in my heart that this is the person. On top of that, for someone who was in my situation, I felt like maybe God had put in front of me someone who could be my possible candidate, and I didn't even recognize that. So I was at the seminary and I felt really, really lonely—just very, very lonely.

My major was marriage enrichment. I wanted to teach about marriage enrichment, but I couldn't go to the Blessing and my parents weren't introducing me. This was the first time my mom and I fought—I never fought with my mom—and I was 28 and I was yelling at her. We had big fights because she was trying to introduce me to all of her friends' sons. This was now the parents matching, just the beginning stages, and we didn't have the system that you guys had developed in America and also in Europe. My mom would start introducing me to her friends' sons, and then when that didn't work out, she had no more friends. She was mad at me and we got into big heated fights. And I guess that's when I rebelled—it wasn't in my teenage years, it was in my late twenties and my early thirties.

And so I was going to UTS, and True Parents really loved us. They took care of us. We went to UTS almost every weekend for Hoon Dok Hae. And once in a while there'd be this single brother—or a brother who had also broken their Blessing and needed to find a spouse—and True Father would joke and he would look at me and my sister, and we'd be like, oh no. And we'd try to hide and just say, no, no, no—we don't want to get matched to that guy.

There was always some kind of tension whenever we visited East Garden, because True Father would try to match us to somebody. So we'd always sit in the back during those times. True Parents gave us lots of love during that period, not just to us personally but to all of the students. Then one day I received a call from Yeon Jin, and she told me that True Mother wanted my sister and me to come to East Garden, to the pink room. If you haven't been to East Garden, there's a room with pink carpet—that's why it's called the pink room. I have a clip from my diary showing the exact date: it was April 20th.

I asked Yeon Jin why True Mother wanted to see us, and she was cryptic about it—"I don't know, why do you think Mother wants to see you?" I said, "No, you tell me—I don't know why." She said, "Anyways, you have to be here tomorrow at 11 AM." Somehow we found a way to get there—one of the students' husbands drove us all the way to the train station, because from Tarrytown it's quite a ways. We got there, my sister and I, with no idea why True Mother had called us. We were so nervous, because this was the first time—I had seen True Mother come to Canada several times since I was 15 or 16 years old, and I'd had several opportunities to be in her presence, but I had never spoken to her on this kind of personal level.

I was in the pink room—one of the daughters-in-law was there too. When True Mother walked in, my sister and I stood up to greet her and were going to do a full bow, but True Mother said, "No, no, no, no, just sit down, sit down." I thought, wow, she doesn't really care so much about formalities—we were always so used to being formal in front of her. And she just said, "Okay, let me see—look at you guys."

We were so nervous, and she recognized it, because she asked, "Why are you guys so frozen?" We realized then how tense we had been. She asked, "Do you know why I called you here?" We said, "No, no, we have no idea." And she said, "Well, I know your grandfather and your parents' life of faith—I heard that their two granddaughters were going to UTS, so I wanted to meet you." Then she asked about each one of my siblings, and she started asking each of us questions.

She asked me why I wasn't blessed. I told her what had happened to me with my first Blessing. She asked if I had started a family, and I told her I was not a virgin. She asked me what had happened. After I told the story, she said, "Why did you agree to get blessed to him?" That question really shocked me, and I couldn't answer it—the answer seemed so obvious. The daughter-in-law said, "Oh, Mother, it's because Father matched them—that's why she went." And True Mother said, "You should have checked. You should have known for sure about his background."

I thought about that—we had only found out maybe a few days before, and I had already flown to Korea. But when True Mother said that, I realized we are allowed to say no if something doesn't seem right. Then True Mother started to tear up. I could see she was trying to hold back the tears. She said, "You should be filial to your parents—but they must have suffered so much because of the situation you were in." And she just started to tear up. I had always thought True Mother was a cold individual—I had always seen her sitting quietly while True Father talked, just observing us very intently, and I never knew what she was thinking. I was afraid of her, and I thought she was strict. But she showed a completely different side: so compassionate and empathetic.

Then True Mother looked at my sister and asked why she had broken her Blessing. My sister couldn't answer in Korean because she can't speak it well. True Mother laughed and said, "Oh, I know why you couldn't communicate"—and she just kind of laughed it off, like it wasn't too serious. My sister told me afterward, "Why did True Mother make fun of me?" I said, "She wasn't making fun of you—she was trying to make you feel comfortable. She realized you were struggling and was saying, don't worry."

Then True Mother said, "Don't worry—it was all indemnity." She was so light about it. I know she wasn't saying that you can break your Blessing—that's not what she meant. But I think she could feel how much I was regretting what had happened, how guilty I felt. And True Mother just said: it's okay, it's just indemnity. Then she asked, "What is your dream? What do you want to become? What do you want to do with your future?" I told her I wanted to be a Divine Principle lecturer—a professor of Divine Principle, or something like that. True Mother said okay. We talked about some other things, and then she suddenly walked out and gave some directions to the daughter-in-law.

The daughter-in-law told us to wait, then came back with a suitcase of fruit—I think True Mother had told her to put all the fruit from the kitchen into that bag. We took back papayas, apples, grapefruit, all of it. Then she told us we could go back. We shared the fruit with everyone. We still didn't know what was going on or why True Mother had called us—I found out later, but I won't share that here. The point is that I had this kind of experience with True Mother that I could never have imagined. I realized that she just wants me to be happy—that is all she cares about—and I was so grateful to her.

A few days later there was a gathering of all the graduate students, because that was our last year and we were going to be graduating. True Parents invited the graduating class—there were about a hundred people, professors and leaders. They gathered in the room where True Father usually sits, at the long table. True Parents allowed the second-generation students to sit at the table with them. I was sitting at the end of the table, right across from True Father, all the way at the other side, and on my right were four of the second-generation men.

It turned out that several of those men had also had broken Blessings, though some had been re-blessed and even had children. Dr. Yang was introducing each one of the second-generation students—there were about five of us. True Father was blasting each of them, the guys, one at a time, because he had found out they had broken their Blessing. He was very upset about it. He was saying things like, "I found a really good wife for you and you divorced her—why did you do that?" He just went on and on.

The whole time I was thinking, oh my God, when he gets to me it will be my turn. At that time nobody really knew about my Blessing situation—it was a secret I wanted to keep, because it was so shameful for me. I thought, oh my God, I'm so dead—when Father finds out about me, I am probably the worst out of all of them. I just wanted to disappear, but I couldn't. So I just sat there. And then all of a sudden, Father got to the last guy.

After True Father was talking to him, all of a sudden True Mother said — Who cares? — she just stopped True Father. And I have a recording of that day; it's on an MD player, but MD players aren't used anymore, so I'm trying to find one that I can transfer the digital sound on. But I just remember True Mother said something like that, really strongly. And so I thought: oh my God — True Mother saved me from embarrassment. Thank God. Thank God, True Mother.

But that didn't stop True Father. He got to me, and someone had told True Father my father's name — and True Father loves my father, he loves my father. True Father found out: “Oh, you’re a daughter — which number are you?” I’m the second daughter. And then somebody next to him was telling him about my situation, and True Father, in front of everybody, said: “You were blessed twice.” I just thought: oh my God, what just happened? And everyone just kind of looked at me, and I couldn’t answer.

Then True Father asked me an even worse question. He said: “Did you live with both of them?” — which means, did you have sex with both of them? And I was just devastated. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I had lost my voice; there was no sound coming out. And Dr. Young was yelling out: “Speak! Answer True Father!” And then somehow I whispered it, and somebody passed it down, and True Father heard that it was just the first one — just the first person I had lived with.

True Father didn’t say anything. He remained very quiet, and then it was very quiet. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I just remember I went home and I must have cried. It was such a devastating moment for me. But I didn’t hate True Father. I wasn’t mad at him. All I thought was: okay, now everyone knows my worst secrets. So you have nothing to hide — and yay, you are free.

I was sad, but then I thought: well, yeah, I should have maybe made more of an effort to keep my Blessing. At that time I was 28, and I ended up working at the New York headquarters — I was Dr. Young’s assistant for three years. I was living in New York City and I became even more lonely. I remember my spiritual teacher saying to me: “Loneliness is a plague on humanity.” I never forgot that statement, because I thought: gosh, loneliness really sucks. It just really sucks.

Even if I went to a movie by myself, I thought that sucked even more — just doing anything by myself. I just hated it. I was looking for companionship. I really wanted to be blessed. And every single time my mom introduced someone to me, it just didn’t work out. And so that was the second period of my life where I wanted to take my life again. That time I really — I even did something to try to do it, but I didn’t have the courage to go all the way.

I was really searching: what can I do to change my life? I’m 30 years old. There was someone I love, but every single time I went to his house he would tease me. He’d say: “You’re an old maid, you’re an old maid. You’re so picky — that’s why you can’t go.” And I was like: no, I’m not picky. But she — she was the only one that ever said anything sweet or gentle or kind to me about my situation.

She said: “No, she really wants to go to the Blessing, but things just aren’t working out, and it’s not because of her.” She had five kids of her own and we had gone to UTS together, so she knew my situation very well. And she said: “Don’t worry. Someday you’re going to be blessed. You’re going to have kids of your own, and you won’t even remember why you were lonely — when was I lonely? You’ll have no time to even think about how lonely you are.” And it did come true. I always remembered her kindness at that time.

I decided I was going to go back to Korea. I remembered when I had met True Mother and she was asking me: “Why aren’t you blessed yet?” And I said something like: “Well, True Mother, I have to make money the rest of my life — it doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I’m always going to need money, I’m going to have to work. But studying — education — you only get a chance for a certain period of your life where you can really dedicate yourself to it.” So I figured this is what I’m going to do now, because I’m by myself, I’m single. True Mother said okay.

And so I said to True Mother: I should go and do my doctorate. What the hell was I so focused on — I had wanted to get married. My dream when I was younger was to get married and just compose at home while I took care of my kids. But then I really developed this desire to learn about God, about the saints and sages, about why they loved God so much. I had gone to UTS, and now I thought: okay, I should get my doctorate. I always had this innate feeling that I really want to do something for True Mother — I really wanted a degree so that I could be one of those women who can speak on True Mother’s behalf and be credible.

So I went back to Korea and was studying. But near the end of my second year, my mother tried again to introduce me to people, and it wasn’t working out. So I called my spiritual teacher — he’s able to look into the future — and I asked him: “Is there really a man for me? Do you really see a husband for me?” And he said: “Oh yeah. You’re going to meet him next year — next year fall.” And I was like: “I don’t believe you. It’s just taking too long.”

And then I was introduced to a non-member — in Korea they call it su-git-ting, where they just introduce you; it’s not even a date, it’s just a meeting. I met him and I realized: I can’t even date non-members. I can’t do it. I’m just too programmed to marry within the Church. And so I decided I was going to tell my dad that maybe I’m just going to stay single and maybe adopt a child.

I remember this conversation. I called my dad and said: “I even got introduced to a non-member — I just can’t do it. Can I just adopt and live by myself?” I was making good money; I could teach English and take care of myself. And I told him: “I think I’m going to leave the seminary, because there’s no point getting a degree if I can’t even get married — no one’s going to want to use me as an educator.” My father, with a very heavy heart, said: “Okay, you do that. And Appa is always here for you.” Now when I think back: oh, what an unfilial thing to do — to really break my father’s heart like that. But I just felt I needed a change, and I needed to stop expecting that I could find somebody.

My spiritual teacher had told me I didn’t need a spiritualist network to bring the two of us together. But while all this was going on, I received another call from the palace. I was in Korea — it was 2008 — and True Parents were in Korea more often than usual. True Mother had asked one of the staff there to call me. I was very surprised, because I thought: after what had happened at East Garden, True Mother had kind of just brushed her hands off of me — she can find her own spouse. I even thought True Mother didn’t remember me. But I got this call, and the staff said it was six o’clock in the morning — and usually at five we were supposed to be up. So I got caught sleeping. And they said: “True Mother is going to send a car down to pick you up.”

She told me to get ready in 30 minutes, and True Mother said I had to look pretty. I had just woken up — what? What did you say? So she repeated herself. I looked at the watch and it was six in the morning. I jumped into the shower, and I knew what True Mother was going to do — she was going to try to introduce me to someone. I wasn't processing too much, because I felt like this is not going to be a good thing, I don't know if I'm ready for this. I had just decided I wasn't going to the Blessing — but I guess True Mother, I guess God had heard me. The car came, we drove up to the palace, and they told me to go toward True Parents' residence.

As I walked there, Mrs. Wanda McDevitt came up to me and said, "I told Mother this was a bad idea." It was so cute — she kept saying, it's not my idea, it's not my idea, I told Mother this was a bad idea. I said, it's okay, thank you, it's okay. So I walked into the room she told me to go to, and it was this beautiful oval, circular room with a dark blue carpet. The walls were blue carpet — a kind of indigo color — and then there was a dome at the top with blue stained glass. That's what I remember; I don't know if it's exactly like that, but I just thought, this is a cool room.

Right in the middle of that circle, against the wall, was a throne — just one single throne — and True Mother was sitting in it. She was sitting there, and there was a man in front of her, kneeling before her. One of True Mother's in-laws was sitting next to her on the floor. I walked in and I went, oh no. I recognized who the man was. I greeted True Mother, and she said, "Do you guys know each other?" I said, yes. And True Mother asked the man, "Do you want to talk with her?" He said, no.

I thought, how rude — he should at least say yes to Mother. But then True Mother got really upset. She said, why? And he said she was matched to his younger brother — the brother of the person I had been matched to when I was 19. When he said that, True Mother was really pissed. In Korean, she said, kuraeseo — so what. And I thought, what an idiot. Why would he say that? Your past always catches up with you. It was just another memory I didn't want to think about.

True Mother was very sensitive to me, and she quickly looked at me and said, "Yeunhee, what about you? Do you want to talk with him?" I said, no. And she said, "Oh, then how are you going to get blessed?" I gave her a little white lie. I said, "Oh, Mother, I had met somebody a month ago" — and I had just remembered — "I met someone, I'm talking with him right now." She asked, well, how old is he? I said, oh, he's two years younger than me. She was surprised that it was a younger man. But after about three times I decided it wasn't going to work out — I just thought that was a graceful way of saying no thank you to Mother.

Mother said, okay, you can leave. The in-law sitting next to True Mother just glared at me as I left the room. Mrs. McDevitt said, "Oh, I'm so sorry — I told her this was a bad idea." I said, it's okay. I was just so moved that True Mother had remembered me. She was thinking about the other girls who were in their early thirties — the other "old maids" out there — and she had been calling them, trying to help them. That brother True Mother had introduced me to was almost 40.

True Mother thinks that we are all her children — she believed we were all her children, we are her children. What a headache we must have been for her, that we couldn't find our spouses. And yet, on top of everything else she was doing, she still remembered us. In that moment I thought, wow, Mother is still thinking about me. I felt such gratitude. But then I also thought, well, how is my situation going to change now?

My future husband had just entered — he came in August to start the September semester. About a year later, I called my spiritual teacher and said, you told me I was going to meet him this fall. Is he really here? Is he coming? He said to me, "Oh yeah, I see him — he's coming around the corner. He has big young feet." That's what he said: he has big young feet. I thought, what is that supposed to mean? He said, "I don't know, they're just showing me big young feet, but you're going to meet him soon."

I was all ready to leave, pack up all my stuff and go. But he said, he's coming. So I just hung in there. My husband's family had left the church when he was 13. His parents had been pastors and regional directors, but there were all these leadership changes, and they received some kind of scars — things that hadn't been done properly. They left the church with a lot of resentment. But they opened up a restaurant — a wild boar restaurant — along the Cheongpyeong Lake.

There's a resort area close to what is the Mecca of our movement, and they had opened up this wild boar restaurant there. It turned out True Father loved wild boar. When people found out that this kind of restaurant was there, they told True Father about it. So Father came — and when he came, they closed down the whole restaurant just for him and his entourage. I think there were maybe ten people with True Father. He came three times, and around the second or third time he told my parents-in-law, "I want you to do ministry again."

My husband had long hair at that time — down to his shoulders. He was a water skier, and there is a picture of him with True Father from those restaurant days, from when he was serving Father. When Father came, my parents-in-law introduced my husband and his brother to True Father. Father looked at them and said, "Are you guys blessed?" My husband said no. Then Father looked at my husband and said, "You are so handsome." Right then, True Father closed his eyes — almost like he was meditating.

And my father-in-law said, "I'm sending my son to" — it's called Sanhok UP now, but back then it was called Chungshin graduate school — "to study theology." This was news to my husband; they had never discussed it. My husband had just gotten his degree in business and was planning to go to the Philippines to open an English institute and make money. But his father had just told True Father that he was going to the theological seminary. My husband is more of an able type, so he just desired to follow through with that. He also told me that throughout his college years he had thought about True Father and the church. There was one time he went online, saw something about Father and the church, and just started crying — and he didn't know where that was coming from.

He was excited to come back to the church, to see what it was like. Before going to Chungshin, he decided to do a 40-day workshop because he had found out about these church workshops and spirituality workshops. He was very interested in it, and he and his brother came — though I don't think his brother stayed. My husband loved all the education about the spirit world, about the explanations they gave about why you're not supposed to drink and smoke and how it was connected to destroying parts of your spirit. He was happy to just give up all these bad habits that he had, and he stopped cold turkey.

His brother was the opposite. It was like, "Oh my God, my parents joined a cult." When he came to the training center, he saw everybody hitting their heads and hitting their body and thought, "Oh no, we are a cult — my parents lost their minds." But my husband loved it. He loved it so much that he did a straight 80-day workshop. He cut off all his long hair, became really skinny, lost a lot of weight, and turned dark — because when you're at the workshop during a 40-day in summertime, you don't take care of yourself so much visually.

So he came into the school, and that's where we met for the first time. I had found out there were three new students coming to the school, and I didn't really care — I had no interest in the other students. I was a doctorate student, he was a master's student, and we had separate schedules. Not all courses overlapped; sometimes we had similar ones, but they had their schedule and I had my own. The first time he sat next to me, he told me he could hear me speaking in English and was really interested. I looked at him and said, "Are you Japanese?" He said no. I said, "Oh, you must be a new student." He said yes, and then I just went back to my conversation at hand and didn't speak to him after that.

There's a picture from when Japan invited us all up to the Ponyamon — now it's called the Ponyamon; it's behind the palace, and there's a pavilion there. Japan invited all of us in 2008, around September, and we all had lunch there. I'm sitting right in the front — I don't know why I sat there — because the whole entire time I was terrified that Father was going to match me to somebody. There were a whole bunch of old maids sitting there, and also a single man, and my husband was all the way in the back — very, very skinny and very, very dark, looking like a high school student — and I'm all the way in the front. We were all whispering to each other: "Oh no, what if Father tries to match all of us?" Because Father would tease us like that — he'd look at us and we'd be thinking, "Oh no."

I had my head down the whole time, and Father was picking people to sing — I think I was possibly the only person who didn't sing, because I was so scared that Father was going to match me to somebody. Yana-nyan was there too, and her mother, though her mother had to step away to the washroom because mother has incontinence, so she wasn't there the full time. Before Father left, he got up — I'll never forget this. He blessed us all, saying, "May you all get married, have many, many kids and live well" — kind of like "live well and prosper."

That was the last time I ever saw Father up close like that. Now when I look back at that photo, every single person who couldn't find a spouse is now married and has kids. Even this one person I thought would find it very difficult to find a spouse — because of their age and their circumstances — also got married and had a child. I just thought, wow, Father blessed us that day.

After that I was still going to school, and I remember having this difficulty in my dormitory where my internet wasn't working for three days straight — but everyone else's internet was fine and I couldn't find what the problem was. I was forced to go to the school classroom to connect my internet, because I needed it to do my research. I was sitting there at 11 o'clock at night; it was dark, and just my classroom had the light on. Someone knocked on the door — it was my future husband. He opened the door and I said, "Oh yeah, hi." His face was all red and he looked like he had been crying.

He told me he had just come down from the prayer chapel and he had been crying. I said, "Did you want to come in and sit down and just talk?" — because I was his senior, much older than him, and I thought maybe I could counsel him, since I was also a pastor. He came in, sat down, and started to share about his life and how his parents had left the church, sharing all these things with me. I said, "Don't worry about anything. Now you're back. God doesn't care about what you did. What's important is you right now and the choices you make right now." He said he really appreciated what I had told him, that it really helped him let go of the things that were burdening him and just focus on studying hard. But I remember thinking, "Oh, he's so young" — the way he was thinking about everything. He left and I didn't think anything of it.

He hadn't come to my room — I was in the classroom because my internet wasn't working in my room, so I had been going to the school for three days. He had been coming down from the prayer chapel on the fourth floor, and when he reached my level he saw the light on in the classroom — it was completely dark everywhere else — and he wanted to see who was there. When he saw it was me, he wanted to talk to me because I spoke English, and he had always had an interest in English. I found out that many of his courses at school had been taught in English, so he just wanted to get to know me. That was the second time I talked with him.

The third time we talked — it was hard for men and women to meet unless you were in class, because the dormitories had strict rules about men and women meeting or talking there, so we could only meet during some kind of activity. One day I came out of my dorm and the master's students were all picking weeds together — they had this session where they all picked weeds. As a doctorate student, I never had to do that. I walked by and said, "Hi, work hard," but the girls called out, "Come on, come help us today." I said, "Okay, I will grace you with my presence," and sat down to pick weeds with them. I looked down the way and saw my future husband sitting there, and I thought, "Hey, you — come over here." I wanted to know a little bit about him.

He later told me that at the time he thought I was a married woman with two kids who had left her family because she was so selfish — he was thinking of me as ajumma; ajumma is like an older married woman, and that's what he thought I was. I called him over and asked, "Are you Blessed?" He said no. I said, "How old are you?" He said, "I'm 26." Then he called me noonie — noonie is the honorific for older sister — and asked, "Noonie, are you Blessed?" I said, "Oh, I was Blessed before; it didn't work out. I don't know when I'm going to get Blessed again."

"Hey, let me look at your palm. I can read palms. I can tell you exactly when you're going to get blessed." I look at his palm and I'm like, "Oh, you're going to get blessed — when you're 27, 28, or 29, the moment you meet this person, you're going to go." And he's like, "No, I'm not. I'm getting married when I'm 30." I said, "Yeah, but your palm is telling me you're going to get married when you're either 27, 28, or 29." And he was like, "Okay, whatever." And then we started doing our thing.

One day I was walking up the hill and I saw him — he was out with his buddies and they were doing something. From my memory, he was standing on top of this hill and it was just him. I looked up and I just felt: he is your husband. I just felt something really strongly within myself that he is your husband. And I was like, why am I thinking that? Why am I feeling that? I went back to my room and I was like, can it be him? Is he the one? Is he the one?

I called up my spiritual teacher and told him, "Okay, there's this man here. His name is so-and-so." And all of a sudden he goes, "Oh my God. Oh my God. The spirit world, the heavens just yelled out. Yes, it is him. It is him." And I'm thinking — really? But oh no, he's 26. He's almost six years younger than me. His parents are not going to agree to this, because Korean parents are just like — the man has to be older. They have these ideas: the man must be the same age or older, he cannot be younger than the woman.

My spiritual teacher said, "I see him giving you a rose — or a bouquet of roses — and you accept them. So I think it's going to work out." I remember hanging up the phone and just starting to cry again. I was like, why is it so difficult for me to get blessed? How come there are all these obstacles? Why couldn't you prepare a man who was at least my age? And on top of that, he had never been blessed before. There are these rules: if you had broken your Blessing, you can only marry someone else who has also broken their Blessing. My situation did not line up with any of the rules.

A few days passed and I called my parents. I found a picture of him and sent it to them. They looked at him and thought, "Oh my goodness, he has such a wonderful face. He looks so kind and gentle." They said, "Go, go, go get him." But I told my parents — he's six years younger than me, he's never gone to the Blessing before, and his parents are probably not going to permit it. My mom was like, "We can't help you. You're on your own. Just do your best." They understood — it was an impossible situation.

I was beside myself, but he really felt like it was him — that's how I felt. So I just mustered up the courage and called him to the classroom again. He came, and he had no idea why I wanted to see him. He was wearing this biker jacket, and these thick, ugly glasses that made his eyes look really small and beady, and his hair was all in front of his face. He just looked like a high school kid — he was in high school. In that picture he put a little bit of mousse in his hair, but he still looked like a high school kid.

He comes into the classroom, sits down, and he's sitting across from me. At that time I was very well dressed — I always took care of myself, because I was a doctoral student and I wanted to look respectable — and he looked like this high school student. He's sitting across from me and he's like, "Why did you call me?" I said, "I don't know how else to say this or how else to ask you this, but I'm just going to ask you because I have nothing to lose — and possibly everything to gain. I'm just going to tell you exactly how I feel."

I said, "I have this experience, this spiritual experience where I feel like you're supposed to be my spouse. So I'm wondering how you feel to think of me as a Blessing candidate." He's just sitting there completely dumbfounded, looking at me like, "Why do you want to be blessed to someone like me? I still need to further my education. I have no money. I have no house. I have no car. I have nothing to offer you. Why do you want to be blessed to someone like me?" And I just told him, "I don't even know how to explain it myself. I just feel like you are supposed to be the one."

Then I told him very quickly: "Look, I was blessed before — twice. It didn't work out. I'm not a virgin. If you have issues with that, I understand. But if you also feel something, can you tell your parents about me and see what they say?" He looks at me and goes, "Can I tell my parents that you're only three years older than me?" And I thought — he's not saying no. This is interesting. But I said, "No, you have to tell your parents exactly how old I am, because they're going to check our astrology to see if we're compatible. Koreans do that — they're very superstitious about it. If you give the wrong birthday, it can only be worse."

After that we started communicating over messenger, sending each other messages and trying to find spaces where we could talk without being seen by any other students. There was this rule that students were not allowed to be matched to each other or think about going to the Blessing. But I felt, okay, I have to make my own rules because I need to get blessed — I'm on a timeline. So I said, "Let's just do this as secretly as possible."

One month passed, two months passed, and he still hadn't told his parents. I was feeling very anxious, thinking maybe he had changed his mind — realized I was too old — or maybe he just felt sorry for me and couldn't say no to my face. I was having all these doubts in my head. I said to him, "Look, if you're having doubts, I understand." He said, "No, no, no. I'm going to tell my mom. I'm going to tell her." I knew he was trying to muster up the courage.

Sometime near the end of December — definitely before Christmas — he told me he was going to call his mom. We didn't have smartphones back then, just basic phones where you couldn't do Zoom or anything like that. He puts the phone on speaker and calls her, without telling her I'm there. He goes, "Mom, I want to tell you something important. I met somebody at school and I wanted to tell you about her." She immediately goes, "Oh, is she tall? Is she tall? Is she skinny? Does she have a fair skin? White, fair skin?"

He was really embarrassed by all those questions. He had put her on speaker because he knew his mom was a very sensible person — just a very nice and sweet person — so those questions shocked him. He said, "Yeah, Mom, she's tall. She's skinny. She has pretty fair, fair white skin." Koreans really like that fair white skin thing. She said, "Okay, bring her picture tomorrow. I want you to come see me tomorrow." And she hung up. He was so embarrassed and apologizing to me — we have to find the youngest picture of you, he said. I wasn't offended. I understood the circumstances.

So I'm looking at all my pictures and I gave him five or six pictures. He looks at them, and this is the one that he picked — the one that I showed you. He picks that picture, but I'm like, oh no, this was the one I hoped he wasn't going to show, because that picture of me is when I was 23. I was now 32. I was like, I don't look like that anymore, I have aged. And he's like, it doesn't matter, that's not important. When she sees this picture, she's going to like it. I'm like, okay, you know your mom best. All right.

So he takes that picture down the next day. He goes down and then I don't hear from him. I'm just trying to remain as calm as possible. And then he calls me and goes, my mom wants to come and see you tomorrow. I'm so surprised — it's so fast. So he comes back up first by himself, because he had a job working in the palace — this student job where he had to shovel snow — and it was snowing a lot at that time. He came back quickly, and then he calls me that morning and goes, my parents are going to come tomorrow at six o'clock and we're all going to have dinner together. So I'm like, okay, all right, good.

The whole time I'm thinking, oh my goodness, something bad is going to happen. They're going to meet me, they're going to realize that I'm too old for him, and then they're going to find out that I was blessed before, and they're going to reject me. And I'm trying to pick myself up — it's okay, it's okay — all these things are going on. And then all of a sudden around 11 in the morning, he calls me and goes, I'm so sorry, but my parents are going to be here in an hour and they're coming for lunch. We're not meeting at dinner time, they want to meet at lunch — and I'm sorry, I can't be there at that meeting.

He tells me he can't be there and I am just — oh my goodness. They want to interrogate me when he's not there. They're coming earlier because they know he can't leave the palace. I'm so beside myself, trying to calm myself down and not get too upset. So I meet them, and they take me out to this restaurant that's really tucked inside — like in a forest, this forest-type place. And she said it's a really special cold noodle soup that she thought I'd like.

So we go there and she's talking to me, just opening up her heart to me, talking to me as if she knows me very well. She's sharing about her life — how they had left the church when their son was only 13 years old, and how True Father came to their restaurant and put them back on the path to ministry, and how they repented, and all these things. And I'm thinking, why is she sharing all these things with me? And I said, are you allowing — are you giving me permission to give rest to your son? And she's like, oh yeah.

I'm like, really? Why? And she goes, oh, the moment I saw your picture, I knew that you were the one. I was like, why? She goes, I saw you in my dream ten years ago. The spirit world showed me who my son's wife was going to be. And I saw how tall you were, I saw that you were very skinny and that you had very fair skin, and I knew exactly what you looked like. When I saw the picture, I knew it was you. Oh my goodness. So that's why she was asking — is she tall? Is she skinny? Does she have fair skin?

And then I said, do you know how old I am? She's like, yeah, yeah. So I checked astrology ten years ago and the astrology told me that he was supposed to marry someone older than him. So it's okay. And then she had checked our astrology, and in my astrology she had already found out — in just that one day — that my astrology says that I can marry someone ten years younger than him. So he's supposed to marry someone older and I'm supposed to marry someone younger. He was telling her they're a match made in heaven. He said, do not stand in their way — you have to allow them to go to the Blessing. And I was just like, oh my goodness.

I was thinking, this is incredible. The spirit world — they are networking to bring us together. This is really true. If she hadn't seen me ten years ago, I know it would have been an impossible situation. And even at that time, my future husband to be was saying, let's just tell my mom that you were blessed once and that you broke your blessing before. And I was really amazed, because I couldn't understand why my fiancé was so understanding and open-minded about that.

I had the stigma about myself — those ideas about myself where I felt I'm not worthy to go to the Blessing with someone who was, I guess, purer than me or something like that. I had this kind of idea. But he kept telling me, I only care about who you are right now. And I just thought, that's such an amazing kind of heart to have. I couldn't relate to that, I couldn't understand that. And then I realized — well, I hoped I didn't have this kind of stigma on others that I had on myself. How can I have this kind of heart that my fiancé was having towards me? I just thought that was such a beautiful way to think of me. He really healed my heart.

The next day after I had met his parents, it was accepted — okay, we are engaged. And then my father had come to Korea the next day. I think I had met his parents on Christmas Day, and my father came on the 26th. I told them, oh, my father's arriving from Canada, he's coming on the 26th, so all the parents could meet together. But even on that day, my fiancé could not come to that meeting. So it was just his parents and my father and me in the coffee shop. And I remember thinking, oh my God, something bad is going to happen.

I just kept telling myself, this is not going to work. And then we were in the coffee shop and we ordered these tall kiwi drinks. The server brings the cups over — Karina, you have to show me on the video — but the cup is like this, and she brings it over, and I don't know why, but my hand just went like this into the middle of the cup instead of going around. I don't know why that happened. I hit it right on, and it was this long cup, and it spilled all over my mother-in-law's black velvet skirt — just all over. And I looked at my dad and he was just glaring at me. He was like, oh, you just had to do that.

And then my mother-in-law goes, oh, the blessings are just pouring upon us — laughing and laughing. And I just thought, is this for real? I cannot believe it. She was so accepting every single step of the way. The spirit world set it all up like that, and I was just amazed. We ended up going to the Blessing that January, that following month. And yeah — I got blessed.

I have so much fun telling the story. So many sad things happened in my life, but actually now that I have my Blessing and my family, I'm grateful for all the difficulties that I've had. I'm thankful to all the people that hurt me, because — I met my man. I met him. And some people tell me, oh, your life is like a fairy tale, or oh, you're so blessed. But I did the work. I made things work. I didn't just have everything handed to me on a silver platter.

No, I really made a conscious effort to build my relationship with my husband because we had some tough times. We had some tough times. So I made the effort. So did my husband.