🇰🇷Dr. Yeunhee Chang

Thank you. A lot of the work I'm doing is already controversial, so maybe you should expect a little more controversy. I've been giving this story at the 40 workshop. More than a testimony, I want it to be a story, because I think people remember stories. The feedback has been very good. I've received many letters from people opening their hearts about their own difficulties going to the Blessing. If anything, that's what I aim for in sharing.

I was Blessed in 2009, at the age of 32. The reason I was older than usual is that in my age group, many were already married at 21. I was actually matched when I was 19, when all my friends were at camp together. Everybody got matched at that time, during Sanjin's wedding engagement period, and her parents wanted to match all the friends of that age group. I didn't really want to go to the Blessing then. I was only 19, and in the end it was decided that I wouldn't go.

At that time, if you got matched and then broke the matching, you got a yellow sticker on the back of your application. Before meeting my husband, I was Blessed twice, and both ended. The first one didn't end well, and the process was very painful. I won't share too much. So I had two red stickers from the broken Blessings, plus the yellow sticker from the broken matching. For many years that paperwork became a kind of burden and shame I carried, even though I don't think it was entirely my fault. A lot of it was… circumstances.

This was a very different time in the history of our movement. The Blessing was something you simply did not break. Actually, when I was about to receive my first Blessing, they were saying I shouldn't be allowed to attend, because I'd broken my matching beforehand. One of the leaders pleaded my case to True Father, and Father did match me — but it still didn't work out.

I became very superstitious. I thought maybe my Blessings didn't work because I'd tried to skip my indemnity. With all our teachings and concepts, I felt guilty for a long time. The path to meeting my husband was not easy at all. It was tumultuous, and I went through many difficult periods. When the second Blessing didn't work out, that was the first time I contemplated taking my life.

I was living in the Cha'am Center in Korea. I'd originally come to Korea to be with the first person I was Blessed to, but things didn't work out. He was a Korean man raised in Korea, and I was a Korean woman raised in the Western world. I didn't realize how Western I was until I tried to communicate with him. After that Blessing, I was living in Canada and he was in Korea, so there was little interaction and a lot of misunderstanding. When I finally came to Korea, the relationship collapsed.

And I was told I was getting old. At 22 they were telling me, "You're getting old, you have to go to the next Blessing." I think I was 23 or 24 when I went to the second one. One leader told me I needed to get married quickly, asking, "What if you can't have any children?" Back then, being 24 and unmarried meant you were an old maid. It was as if no one would want to take you.

But there was something else. With the first Blessing I had already started my family, so I wasn't a virgin. On top of having broken my Blessing, I wasn't a virgin anymore. It wasn't so much that I thought other people were judging me. It was that I felt like used goods. Who would want me? I thought this way for years. After it became the parents' matching, I always told my parents to tell the other family up front that I wasn't a virgin. If they accepted that, then I'd agree to meet. I didn't want them to feel tricked. I had this downgraded view of myself.

Back to Korea, after my second Blessing had broken. I'd been matched by True Father the day before that Blessing, was Blessed, and the very next day… the relationship ended. It was traumatizing, and I contemplated taking my life. I was thinking about where I should go to do it, because in our church we're taught that if you commit suicide you become stuck, and cannot leave that place. So I thought I should pick a beautiful spot. I considered Jeju Island. All these crazy thoughts went through my head — and of course, I didn't have the courage to do it.

My parents were upset with me, and I felt embarrassed. People would simply think I had failed. One day I was sitting at the Cha'am Center, sick of the whole atmosphere. But I never threw away the desire to be Blessed. I know people who had a bad Blessing experience and resented the church, resented True Parents, and left. I wasn't like that. I still wanted to receive the Blessing, but I carried all these fixed negative ideas about myself.

One day in my room I said: "God, just give me a break. At least let me make tons of money." At that time I was teaching English. Three days later I got a call from one of the directors at the second-generation office. He said: "I want to introduce someone to you, a famous person. He's the manager of a famous actor, and they're looking for English teachers. Would you want to do it?" I said yes. I couldn't believe it.

He told me: "But you have to promise me you're not going to do anything stupid." Of course I wouldn't. After my two past experiences I was scared of men. I felt men were all liars, and couldn't be trusted. I went to the meeting and the manager interviewed me. He liked me. He asked if I knew any actors in Korea. I named a few, and he scoffed and laughed because in his mind they were nobodies. I asked who he was going to introduce me to. He said it was apparently one of the most famous actors in Korea, but he wouldn't tell me who. He said: "Just be at the meeting on this day."

So I went and waited. He was two hours late. I was very upset, thinking: "who does this man think he is?"