The History and Practice of our Church Traditions - Part V: Family Relationships

Compiled by Nancy Neiland Barton 1982 From speeches given Father, Reverend Chung Hwan Kwak and Reverend Won Pil Kim

April 16, 1960, Young Whi Kim and Dae-hwa Chung being Blessed by True Parents - Three couples blessing, Seoul, South Korea

Many newly blessed couples will soon begin their families. Yet each couple needs to consider the parameters of what they will do to establish their blessed home.

In your dwelling, in your work, you have two additional members always with you; these are the True Parents. You must live with me spiritually all the time — while you are eating; while you are sleeping, while you are in the bathroom, while you are taking a bath, taking a rest, even in dreams you can be sitting with me and discussing with me. The grafting process is such that your branches have to be taken off and connected to the root of the truth, the true root. That’s the only way. This is the secret of our movement. Whoever has that basic, fundamental attitude and that spiritual power will perform miracles.

Portland Director’s Conference April 14, 1974

According to guidance from Reverend Kwak and Reverend Won Pil Kim, the tradition to be used in setting up a blessed family is the same as all traditions of the Unification Church — it is based on discovering and living a heavenly attitude.

An attitude is something each of us possesses. Yet it can be good or bad depending on motivation. It is difficult to become a true wife. Certainly, it is hard to be a true husband. If you don’t think so, you are better than me. More difficult than that is to become worthy parents to your children. Even though somehow you become worthy parents, the next step means sacrificing them for the sake of the whole. The wife you love so much must go out and the children you love so much must also sacrifice… Everything prescribed in the Bible must come to pass. The person who loves his wife or family more than the Lord is not worthy of the Lord.

… Is it more important to have the daily life of living together and having three meals a deal and having children — or to solve the basic issues of our life, namely, tradition and satisfying the Principle requirements with which to teach our children You must know what comes first; it is not es simple es just living together. You have to discipline yourself in a certain direction of life, making sure it is in conformity with the Principle. Then perhaps you will be a worthy textbook.

February 11, 1980

The relationship of husband and wife needs to be restored. People in society play these rolls, yet when something goes wrong, they often seek the easiest solution: divorce. The marriages in society pledge to last a lifetime, but according to our belief, blessed marriages are eternal. There is quite a difference. The attitude with which each of us views his or her spouse is crucial to the health of the relationship.

So often we beg our partner to come to our standard at the same time our partner is desperate to get us to come to his standard. Yet neither mate’s personal standard is the same as God’s. Both people must do everything they can to discover that standard in God. If your mate has a difficult character, don’t expect him or her to change. Think instead that you will do everything possible to perfect your own character by becoming closer to God. You can’t change your feeling towards something, but you can change your reaction.

If you struggle with a certain point in your mate’s character, write it down and then analyze it. You will probably discover that you may be expecting too much of each other or are too sensitive yourself. if you feel some disharmony, it is probably a disharmony of emotion in the moment. It is not something that cannot be overcome. Realize that there have been billions and billions of couples on the earth throughout all of history; none of them have ever achieved 100% harmony. You have an advantage: God. He is at the root of your blessed marriage. If you cannot live in perfect harmony with your mate, try instead to live close to God. Through Him, your relationship can become better.

This about the fact that even within yourself it is difficult to make complete harmony of your mind and body. How much more difficult is it to create this with another person.

Another important key to remember is that this era of blessed couples is a transition from the Fallen to the restored. In this era. we must remember that our main goal is to try to build this ideal family, not necessarily enjoy it. We do this so that our descendants may enjoy their ideal family life.

The Role of Woman

Women have to establish indemnity conditions to completely obey men. Women absolutely must not get angry. As soon as a man and a woman have married life, you can understand that a woman can be subjugated by a man.

February 8, 1977

If your husband walks into your room, tired and with slumping shoulders, and you are just. waking up from your nap, don’t ‘expect him to just love you. Even though you may be angry, never show it, but greet him and give him a massage. If he won’t let you make him comfortable by taking his socks off, for instance, then just tackle him and take his socks off with your teeth! NO husband could stay upset with that kind of wife.

February 11, 1980

Wives should develop Mother’s heart. A wife should never neglect her responsibility to pray for her husband’s public mission. If she can really focus and dedicate her heart in prayer to help him accomplish his public mission, his way will be much easier.

Heavenly Father does not like the attitude of women who have a low opinion of their husbands.

Advice which was given to the wives/husbands of missionaries can also apply in general situations. If a wife goes to join her husband, she should take the servant position. After filling this : position for a minimum of 21 months, she can then take her proper position. However, if she does not fulfill it within that time, it will take at least three years. True Mother could not take. her own position as Mother for seven years. Only on God’s Day of 1968, she was able to occupy that position.

If your spouse can support you for three years, then there will be no problem. Then all members with whom you work will respect your family. This is not just for your own couple but will be a pattern for your descendants.

If the husband likes something that the wife doesn’t like, she makes effort to get to like it because her beloved husband likes it.

The mother should make Cain and Abel unite together, and then mother and children unite with father.

The mother has a dual responsibility; she must bear children and the children must be obedient to the parents. The mother must serve the children as she attends God. The mother is responsible for heartistic education. Don’t be ashamed in front of God or your husband.

The seed of the fall was planted in woman’s heart, so she must be responsible for heartistic restoration.

Woman must be careful not to get angry. The key is not to get separated from her husband.

Conference: January 2, 1980

The role of man

Women need to be protected by a man. A man is a representative of True Father, and a woman a representative of True Mother. If a husband neglects his wife, therefore, this means that he neglects True Mother.

Origin-division-union action is manifested concretely in daily family life. When you leave home in the morning, do so with happiness, and when you come back home, do so with happiness. After coming back home, you should talk to you wife and children about what happened that day and discuss with them to connect things. Connect everything with love and a smile. You may discuss the Will with your wife, but if either of you wants to keep some secrets about the Will, you may do so even for eternity. You should have that kind of relationship. Worldly couples have not. been that way.

The man should take responsibility for whatever happens in the family. He should have the central authority in the family. Establish the tradition in your family.

Way of God’s Will

The father is responsible for his wife, for the mother of the children. The father is the protective fence to surround the family.

Conference: January 2, 1980

Personal time

As a couple, you need to share with each other every day. You need to set aside at least a little time to talk and pray with each other. You need to comfort each other and share God’s love as well as your own love for your mate. Even if it is not more than 10 minutes, each day should include some private time for the two of you to understand each other more and more deeply.

If you do this, your centers/homes will be like nurseries for younger members. You will be able to give rebirth to young spiritual lives.

Witnessing to your mate

None of us should neglect the responsibility of our own spiritual health nor that of our partners. One of the most important aspects of our blessed life is to witness to our mates.

If you are already living together and then make a plan to witness to each other, in one sense you are too late. You need to discuss how you want to build your foundation. Witnessing should bring you closer to God and then you will naturally be close to each other.

There may come a time when one of you is overly sensitive or doesn’t feel well. If that happens there may be some tension and distance created in your relationship. Especially at these times, you need to do your best to witness to each other. Communicate deeply your innermost thoughts. Center on bettering the spiritual health of your marriage.

One word of caution: do not witness to the negative aspects of your spouse publicly. It is not effective in bringing you together. There is too great a possibility to drive you further apart. For example, a minister may preach a sermon to his congregation. His parishioners may praise him for it and feel he is nearly a saint. Yet his wife may recognize that while her husband is a good speaker he still has his faults. She should keep them to herself. It is her job to keep quiet about his faults and show others his good points so that they can naturally develop even more and more respect for her husband and his public mission as a servant of the people.

No matter what mission your husband or wife may have in our church — minister, lecturer, businessman, office worker, maintenance man — he or she occupies a public position and is literally a servant of the people. Do not spread his or her faults to others. Your mate may already know his fault. And he also knows yours. Both of you should keep them to yourselves. Pray about them with each other. Ask God to help you work them out. There is no need to create more distance and tension between by talking about them to others.

Respect your mate

It is important to respect your mate. If you look: at your spouse praying for Heavenly Father’s will and making some special conditions which he or she never even mentioned to you, you will naturally feel some foundation of respect growing. Even if you are not physically together during the day, you can feel your spiritual connection through respect. Without respect, there is no real love.

If you can discover God and True Parents in your child and in your spouse, then you. can respect them. Without respect for each other, a true relationship is impossible. Our love can spring up based on our belief, faith and respect. Without building a true relationship with your blessed mate, your salvation becomes almost impossible.

Horizontal love is always changing its direction because it is not firmly centered on God. Therefore it is important to love each other through God. Nothing is worse than a husband speaking ill of his wife or a wife speaking ill of her husband.

If one partner keeps a promise with God and doesn’t change his or her mind about wanting to a establish a happy family, he or she will be given a better partner to fulfill the original purpose to make an ideal family. If he or she breaks the promise as well, feeling empty and having nothing to believe in, happiness will not come to that family. Promises that you make to each other are so important.

Witness to your child

Witness to your child even before he or she is born. While your baby is still in the womb teach him about Heavenly Father and True Parents. It is also important to educate him about how to sacrifice. We are able to be directly educated by True Parents. Yet our children will be educated by us.

If you are concerned about everything for your children and don’t allow God to participate, He won’t need to give you assistance. It is important that as a couple you do your 5% responsibility, but with. faith also allow God to accomplish His portion of responsibility.

If you are not spiritually strong, how can you expect your children to be If you are not and do not make initiatives to overcome this, your children may have a more difficult course. It is better to think and pray about this even before your children are conceived.

When you are going to conceive a child, you must set a date and pray for that occasion. You must talk with each other, planning to make the day a most honorable one, a glorious and purified day, you can give birth to the most desirable and beautiful child of God. The you can tell God, “Give us the child of your desire, so. that we can educate him and give him back to you.

If you are given a son, you must pray earnestly to God, saying, “Thank you, Father, that you have given this house a son. We are going to educate him to be your loyal son and raise him in such a way that he will love this land, love this kingdom and its people, and thus inherit your blessing and actualize it.”

December 22, 1976

Public Mission

It is essential that each blessed couple put their public mission(s) before their individual family needs.

After the Blessing, there are some couples who only want to take care of themselves and focus on raising their families. There are also those couples who desire to focus on God’s will and their missions. It depends on our attitude and faith as couples whether or not our children will suffer.

No matter what mission you as a couple occupy, you must not focus on taking care of your own wife more than talking care of members. When you focus and serve God more and more, He will prepare for your families.

Our True Parents are concerned with those people who aren’t involved in public missions. Although they are concerned with the individuals themselves, their concern extends beyond, to your descendants.

If couples are only concerned with their family level, they will be distant from Father and Mother and our spiritual laws and order. It is best when Blessed Couples manage their families and focus on their public mission.

We need Heavenly Father’s support in our lives, but don’t ask for it through prayer. Focus on your public mission. When you do, God will hear your request.

Restoration of Love

We must restore the loves of parents, conjugal love and children love. Through a certain process we can completely restore these three types of love. Then we can reach the image of God. God’s total purpose of restoration is locked up within these three kinds of love. As blessed couples, our first purpose should be.. loyalty to God. As husbands and wives, our main goal is to come into the sons’ and daughters’ positions to God and True Parents.