CARP Talk: Love is not enough

Every year around mid-February, it becomes strikingly more obvious that the desire to find and be united with that one special person is an intrinsic part of every person. Human beings ultimately desire love.

Psychologists say that the feeling of being ‘in love’ can last anywhere between 3 months and 3 years for couples, which is a relatively short time compared to the rest of our lives. Yet society is so fixated on this time period; the lush idea of romance is the central theme of the vast majority of songs, film, and literature, as if to suggest that romantic love is the driving force behind happy relationships. Well, it might be that case for the first 3 years, but what then? Is that enough?

Samuel Read, a politics graduate and devoted husband for 3 years, gave this week’s CARP talk entitled: ‘Love is not enough’. And it went a little something like this:

There’s a difference between love and real love. When we think about love, often the first thing that comes to mind is something like that epic rain scene from the film: ‘The Notebook’. Society’s idea of love is all about grand romantic gestures, passion and chemistry i.e. the feeling of falling in love. But maybe that’s all it is; a feeling. Falling in love is all about how you feel. It requires very little effort, and at the bottom line, it’s all about you. Real love is about the other person, about doing things you don’t always feel like for the sake of another person’s happiness. It requires commitment, effort and self-discipline. Couples in healthy relationships realise that real love isn’t just about the chemistry and emotion but true compatibility is rooted in the deeper values we stand for. Samuel and his wife are very different characters in many ways, from their personality type to their cultural background. But underneath these differences is: a shared world-view; equal values; and an ambition to give to society. It is these shared values which create the foundation for successful relationships. A ‘love conquers all’ and ‘we’ll get through this because we’re meant for each other’ attitude cannot practically solve difficulties in a relationship. Without solid foundations, it gets washed away by a tide of emotion as it comes and leaves.

Genuine love is not a feeling, but rather a choice. Genuine love is disciplined, and self-discipline is love translated into action. Ultimately… Real love is a desire to nurture someone else’s growth. When you choose to love in spite of superficial differences, you stretch your heart and extend your limitations. The beauty of real love is that through nurturing another’s growth, you are subconsciously nurturing your own growth. One could say that the act of genuinely loving is an act of self- evolution. Love is self- replenishing, and as we grow through love, so grows our joy. So no, love is not enough, but real, genuine love is. Sure, it requires a little more effort, will stretch the limitations of your heart, and requires a great deal of courage - but only real love can lead to real, authentic relationships. Happy Valentine’s Day! See you all at next week’s CARP Talk.