Right from the Start Newsletter

OH, YOU LITTLE COQUETTE! ON DEALING ‘Games’ have their place—just not here! WITH ‘REAL’ We see it on nearly every about somebody else, and SUBJECTS: sitcom: the snappy comeback, maybe, just maybe, you will go Many people are the smart rejoinder. The guy says with that person instead of her? asking if we would something and the woman Maybe, she will like you more. responds with an ‘absolutely And what about playing address some of the

brilliant’ put-down that is just ‘hard to get’? The guy calls and knotty issues facing hilarious. Hearing the canned you tell him you can’t talk, our Matching and laughter, we laugh along, as he because you are “washing your Blessing candidates drags himself off, red-faced and hair”, when actually you are in to date. In sharing humiliated, to recover. We are your room, just waiting for him to these ideas, I wish to not adept at call dating. We don’t back, so emphasize strongly Our situations are absolutely know how to do that you that for specific different from the ‘madcap’ TV it, so we take our can play answers, every cues from our scenarios. We are relating to the candidate and friends, snappy people with whom we want to game of family needs to articles in build the center of the cosmos. ‘Hard To consult first the Cosmo, or that Get’ with That takes love, not derision. ‘Matching universally handy him? Will ‘expert’, TV. he call Handbook’ and People always laugh after the back? Will he continue to call ‘Finding the One’ woman cuts her guy down to when you tell him that now you manuals, to avoid size, right? So, it must be funny to are painting your nails and it will confusion. The do. Ya think? be a while before they dry? Will Hardamans also Hmm. The girl seems like a he pursue you, like in the movies? really nice person, just the one to have a wonderful round out your life. But how Real Life book out there, would she react if you play a little I’ve gotten my share of tearful, ‘Another Way to trick on her, give her a little just-after-midnight hysterical and Marry’, available for challenge, a little ‘test’? What if desperate calls from people that cheap on Amazon. you tell her you are really not sure realized a moment too late that how you feel about her, that you a potential spouse with whom have actually been thinking they were getting along really

[Pick the date] [Edition 1, Volume 1]

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well and halfway up the aisle on they became engaged, but he granddaughter talked to her the plane to Korea with has was Done with her. He wrote her after seeing the candidate. suddenly just thrown up his/her a polite but final note, saying he “She’s dirty!” the little girl said. hands and said, “Enough!” They did not wish to complete the having observed the candidate’s ask, “But what did I do wrong? I waiting period until they could be brown skin. “Tell her to take a just wanted to see how much he Blessed. She was terribly bath!” The mother thought it was liked me!” That is what happens wounded. She liked him very just the funniest thing, and when one gets confused about much and actually thought he thought the prospective spouse how to deal with a potential was a wonderful candidate. She would be amused, too. But the spouse: they start out thinking contacted him several times after African candidate was shocked. they are living in a sitcom about that, but nothing she said The marriage almost did not making love funny, but suddenly convinced him that he had been happen, not because of the they find themselves in the wrong to reject her. He moved child’s innocent comment which middle of a sad country song on and she is still single. was not said in the candidate’s about love lost. presence, but because the One of the three great sins is THE LIFE YOU DESIRE parent was insensitive to the ‘Trampling of Heart’. The feelings According to the Divine impact it would have. It took a lot of another person are nothing to Principle, man and woman of fancy dancing on the toy with. Nothing is more should reflect God through their candidate’s part to convince the attractive to another person than actions of give and take. Banter injured party that his whole family a sincere heart. Ours is a world in and put-downs, especially at the was not of the mind that she was which disappointment, confusion very beginning of a relationship, ‘dirty’ and she should just ignore and other slights and hurts seem when two people have only an the enthusiastic but totally to reign supreme. It is just not idea of who they are, have no inappropriate comment as a sensible to add to all the pain place in the relationship. Our clumsy stab at relating. that is out there by playing coy. situations tend to be multicultural, Given a choice, opt for and even when two people are respect and reserve. There will be “TOO SLEEPY” TO TALK of the same external culture, one plenty of opportunities for you to One fellow thought he had does not know what another’s learn how to tickle the other found the perfect woman with response might be if one person’s funny-bone. Just be whom he would spend the rest of becomes playful too quickly. certain that your jokes are a his life on earth and his eternal What seems to be a hysterical playful poke in the ribs and not a future. She, however, seemed joke to one person may be totally stab in the heart. never to be around when he offensive to the person s/he most Picture yourself hearing or called, and she would always tell wants to impress. Especially when reading the words you are about him, “Oh, it’s too early!” When he there are differences in culture or to communicate. Are they words tried calling later in the evening, ethnic background, one may you would want directed at you? she would say, “Oh, it’s too late give offense without meaning to. Is the ‘joke’ or ‘trick’ you are now, and I am too sleepy. Call For instance, the mother of one about to play on your potential me back in the morning!” He said candidate decided to relate a Other the one you would want it was all just too much for him. He story to her son’s prospective played on you? It becomes was glad that she had showed spouse. She told how funny her necessary to consider the other that side of herself to him before family thought it was when her person’s response, especially in

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those first days, when everything watch younger children that may THAT FIRST ‘HELLO’ is so new and feelings are so want to vie for your attention. One should introduce oneself: tender. This is not the moment for you “Hello, this is Harold Jones. I to chew a stick of gum, suck on a received your profile from my THOSE FIRST CONVERSATIONS piece of candy, snack on a Matching Supporter, and I would The first conversations one meal, check your E-mails or clack like to get to know you.” This is not shares with a possible candidate out on your keyboard a note to the Hollywood Romance will be the ones that will stick with your BFF, giving a blow-by-blow conversation, and not the him/her throughout the account on your other line of moment for the candidate to relationship. Before picking up what you are saying. If someone wax grandiose. That first the telephone or revving up the else—a translator, perhaps, or a conversation should be kept to mouse for the first time, one parent, a sibling or a Matching everyday things: “I’m in my third should have an idea of what one Supporter---is in the room, that year of college…I’m studying wants to communicate. What person should be respectfully Anthropology…We live in does one want to come away quiet. Having that person chime Maine…I used to live in Illinois…I from the conversation having in is not acceptable. This match is have two brothers and a sister.” conveyed about oneself? What the candidate’s decision. None One wants to discuss very, very does one want to have learned of these people will be living with general things, as if meeting a about the person on the other the couple once they are stranger on a plane. end of the line? There are some Blessed, and in this introductory Listen to the other person. This pretty serious things one will want moment they should have is not your solo show, and the to share with the person with nothing to say aloud. other person has things to share whom one will be potentially This does not mean that the as well. Where is s/he from? spending an eternity. Therefore, actions and conversations in the Where has s/he lived before? particularly at the beginning of first phase should be kept secret. Who are his/her parents and the conversation, one wants to Absolutely the candidates should siblings? Has s/he traveled? make certain s/he finds out as discuss their interactions, Where did s/he go to school? much as possible. This is probably concerns and questions as they What are his/her hobbies? The the biggest decision to be made arise with parents, pastors, conversation might end with a in one’s life, and it must not be Matching Supporters, and other specific plan to talk again soon done flippantly. people that can support them. It and a cheerful ‘goodbye’. First of all, and these will seem is easy for a candidate to let Think about that conversation like silly suggestions, but one is someone go, because s/he did Did you like what you heard? amazed how often people just not know what to do or how to Was the other person’s voice don’t think. Be sure that nothing handle the anxiety of beginning cheerful, positive, pleasant and a else is going on when you a conversation or something that voice you would like to hear communicate. Background might have come up at the again (and again)? music, the TV, loud conversations beginning of an interaction. Even if it is not, plan to in the next room—these all need Having a support system in place continue the conversation for the to be silenced or moved away to intervene and explain has prescribed three weeks. The from. Shoo the dog out of the saved many a matching near- person on the other end of the room and get somebody else to disaster. line may be tense, anxious, scared, nervous—a lot of

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adjectives that have little to do What do you think?” The other might there be a way that the with speaking in a clear and person may want to think about person might change or improve vibrant voice, particularly if yours that possibility, or may just say, something about him/herself? is not that person’s first language. “Okay, let’s continue”. One young woman rejected a Make the commitment that you The next thing is to inform your man, because he had only a will talk for the full three weeks family and the Matching high school education and no even if you have reservations Supporter, who is probably sitting intention of going to college. She following that first discussion. anxiously by his/her phone thought he would be poor all of The second conversation awaiting your call anyway. his life, and she dropped him, should be much more incisive. “Harold and I would like to move because she felt he had “no Go deep about the things that on to Phase II and begin future”. He told her he could interest you: what is your passion? discussing if we would like to be make plenty of money following What are your dreams? What are together forever.” Or some the vocational training he your life goals? What are your variant on that statement should wanted to get, but she would not deal-breakers? Try to keep the be sufficient for the Matching hear of it. She moved on. Eight conversation from becoming an Supporter to do a back-flip and years later, his business is going interrogation. The person should then contact the Blessing staff to strong and he is making plenty of not feel ‘guilty until proven put your profiles on hold until you money to support a wife that saw innocent’, or as if s/he is both choose to become his potential and their children. undergoing a trial by fire. There is engaged or to discontinue the One also should not listen to no need to ‘quiz’ the candidate, relationship. rumors and gossip about others. and it is inappropriate to “He was a real slob on GPA” challenge what the candidate ON REJECTING: does not mean that he doesn’t may say. The second and any That first person might not be clean up after himself now. “She subsequent conversations should Mr. or Mrs. Right for you. Just was always hanging out with the remain cordial and pleasant. because someone suggested brothers” might have happened Remember, one is not making a him/her, or even you yourself when she was fifteen, or twelve. decision about whether the two thought it to be a good idea at A report got back to me once people will be Blessed together the time, you might discover an that my son had been seen in at this point, but only if the issue or just not ‘feel’ the town with a girl, and he “might conversations will continue into chemistry. What is the right way have a Chapter 2 problem”. The Phase II. to go about letting a potential lady in question was his wife. A third conversation should be spouse know that you wish to Another one of my contacts still ‘what-if’. What if you both look elsewhere? bemoans ‘the one that got decided that you will continue First of all, be certain that you away’, a girl he thought he could this relationship? Does the other really want to reject this person. do better than and continued his person see the possibility of that? Ask yourself ‘why’. What search, despite her abilities. He How does one know? One can changed for you? What is the said she was ‘too plump’ for his ask: “I am really enjoying these deal-breaker that arose between tastes. He was Blessed to a nice conversations with you (if that is you that was not there before? person, but after their second true). I look forward to them. I Did you discover something, and child she became quite chubby. would like to continue to the next what was the source? Is there a In the meantime, the other level, if that is all right with you. way around rejection—that is, woman slimmed down, and it

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was quite a struggle for him to Do not, however, make two of you, to his/her thinking, realize that externals do not rejecting a ‘pastime’. Seeking a were not as compatible as s/he always determine who will make spouse is not like going on a had hoped. a good spouse. window-shopping trip. Ideally you You have a right to know why, But let us say that, for will have done such a good job particularly if it seemed as if whatever reason, after much of helping your support team to everything was going fine before. prayer and discussion and understand the qualities you are If the person says, “I don’t know, it maybe a tear or two, one looking for in a spouse that there just didn’t seem quite right”, that decides to discontinue at the will be no need for you to ‘vet’ is his prerogative. If s/he says, conclusion of Phase I. Then, how more than one or two people. “Well, I liked you fine, but my dad one disconnects is very Never lose sight of the fact that doesn’t like your dad,” or important. There is no reason to you are dealing with people, and something similar, it is all right to leave a trail of broken hearts they are people with hearts. The negotiate. But do not push too behind one. First, speak with the period of searching for a hard. There are other candidates Matching Supporter, who will matching partner is probably one out there, whose folks might like speak with the other person’s of the most vulnerable periods in your dad just fine. Matching Supporter and inform a person’s life. Therefore, choose Always be gracious to the them of your desire not to your words carefully. Somewhere rejecting person, unless s/he continue. Following that in your life, you are likely to run kicked your dog on the way out counseling, it would be kind to into this person again. There the door. Avoid smearing them contact the person one last time, should be no animosity between on Facebook. Be noncommittal rather than just stop talking or you when you do. to your friends’ enquiries of how skyping or texting and having that dirty rat could have let them wonder if you were hit by a ON BEING REJECTED wonderful you down. People bus or the Rapture was a real The world did not just end. In have reconsidered, and they thing and you made it. fact, someone just did you a have asked to be reconsidered. You can tell the other person favor. The other person Then those mean little comments that you thought and prayed recognized that the relationship could come back to haunt you. about it, and you feel that s/he is was probably not going the way Just keep in mind that your true wonderful, but probably you are s/he wanted, and let you know spouse is out there somewhere, not the best person for him/her. If this before your heart had time to and this one was just a bump in you can, be specific about your become involved. the road on the way to meeting reasons, without accusing. Try to avoid taking the Mr./Ms. Right. Remember, hearts are easily rejection so personally that it © 2018 by Sandra Lowen trampled, and that is not freezes your ability to move on or something you want to do. You look elsewhere. Recognize that a want to find your ideal spouse, rejection does not mean that you and if the person seems less than are a failure, evil, or doomed to ideal to you, then you have the bachelor- or spinsterhood forever. right to reject. The other person just saw that the

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RGHT FROM THE START is a newsletter developed for Matching Candidates and their families that are working with Matching Supporter Sandra Lowen. Its purpose is to give additional and collateral information regarding the Matching and Blessing. It is not an official organ of the Blessed Families Ministry or any of its supporting organizations. For further information, contact sandralowen003@gmail.com.

Sandra Lowen, PhD. LCSW MARRIAGE AND FAMILY INSTITUTES Graham, Washington, 98338