2. The Value Of Marriage To Society Presentation Transcript - Resources for a 6 week, 40 day, Sermon Series on True Father, Sun Myung Moon — de Watteville

SECTION 1: WHAT IS MARRIAGE WE ARE ALL PART OF THE CIRCLE OF LIFE We are tiny part of the history of mankind. In some ways we are just caretakers – making sure we keep the best of what past generations developed, and In some ways we are creators – making sure we add our own positive contribution so future generations benefit The key to human development: “Can my children be slightly more caring, slightly more intelligent, slightly better at building intimate relationships, and slightly less traumatized - because of my input into my family?” If my overall contribution is positive, then the future of my descendants is more secure. If my overall contribution is negative – my family tree takes a step backwards and future generations 2 may suffer.

EVERY SPECIES OF ANIMAL HAS DISCOVERED THEIR WAY OF RAISING THEIR OFFSPRING SO THEIR SPECIES SURVIVE FORMILLIONS OF YEARS – AND THEY DO IT JUST THAT ONE WAY Harem style – alpha male has Lay hundreds and Pair bonding eagles several ‘wives’ who raise hope 1 or 2 survive offspring in groups Each of these ways of raising children allows each species to receive nature’s blessings of survival and well-being. If they changed their family structures to a different one – they probably would become extinct within one generation 3

WHAT ABOUT US – DO WE JUST HAVE ONE TYPE OF FAMILYSTRUCTURE THAT ALLOWS US TO RECEIVE NATURE’S BLESSINGSOF SURVIVAL AND WELL-BEING OR ARE WE SO FLEXIBLE THATWE CAN HAVE MULTIPLE FAMILY FORMS AND DO JUST AS WELL? OR Cohabiting with Single Mother – children never married or divorced Only This? Heterosexual marriage with children 4 Polygamy

WHAT IS MARRIAGE? – CURRENT DEFINITION Union of a man and a woman A desire to make a permanent commitment and to offer sexual exclusivity towards each other IN ORDER THAT The children created by their love benefit – behaviorally, materially and psychologically I pass on the good qualities of my ancestors + plus add my own positive creative input so that my children have more positive qualities than I have. Marriage and family building, when done reasonably well, brings about ‘lineage improvement’ 5

THE MARITAL COMMITMENT ALLOWS PARENTS TOINVEST SO THEIR CHILDREN BENEFIT IN 8 KEY WAYS1. Children’s health and material well-being2. Children’s emotional well-being3. Their educational attainment4. Disciplining and moral development5. The family is a school of love – learning important social skills – forgiveness, tolerance, altruism, etc6. Protecting the children from abuse in any form7. Modelling of a couple relationship so children have some successful strategies when they build their families8. Extended family love and support from both sides of the family 6If parents do their job well – lineage improvement occurs.

WORLDWIDE RESEARCH OVER 60 YEARS IS CLEAR: BEST OUTCOMES IN ALL 8 AREAS OCCUR WHEN CHILDREN ARE RAISED BY THEIR TWO, MARRIED, BIOLOGICAL PARENTS – BY THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT THEM INTO THE WORLD. ON AVERAGE, THEY HAVE FAR BETTER OUTCOMES IN EVERY AREA – WHEN COMPARED TO CHILDREN RAISED IN - Single parent homes, never married Single parent homes, divorced Cohabiting couples with children Step-parenting homes Children raised by same-sex couples All other family constellations Marriage is the most successful family constellation for creating ‘lineage improvement’ – the next generation is a bit better than the last 7

WHAT IS MARRIAGE: – THE CIRCLE OF LIFE MOVES FORWARD Society should try to help more children grow up with their two biological, married parents in a reasonably healthy, stable relationship – not to pay respect to a Victorian idea of proper behaviour, but because the overwhelming consensus of research shows thats the very best way to raise children.- Theodora Ooms, Center for Law and Social Policy, USA 8

IT’S IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT EVEN IF A COUPLE ARE GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH, OR EVEN IF THEYMODERATELY STRUGGLE FOR SEVERAL YEARS – THEY STILL OFFER THEIR CHILDREN MOST

OF THESE BENEFITS Health/material well-being Educational attainment Emotional well-being Protection from abuse Modelling of the couple relationship Disciplining and moral development Family is a school of love Extended family support Once parents separate it just becomes more complicated to maintain these benefits. Some divorced husbands and wives work very hard to fulfil their parental roles and the children are still very protected. Others struggle and the children lose more of these 9 benefits as a result.

WITH THE MARITAL COMMITMENT ANDFIDELITY IN PLACE – HUSBANDS ALSO, ON AVERAGE, DO BETTER ON EVERY SOCIAL SCALE It allows men to channel their natural sex drive into something that has positive outcomes for society It allows men to enter into community building - helping them move from independent thinking to thinking about how they can use their life to benefit others – and to find meaning through focusing on homebuilding and child rearing 10

 “Because of divorce, young men in England and Germany have become much more prone to criminality, drug abuse, and sub-criminal disorder.” Norman Dennis, University of Newcastle, UK “When men and boys embrace the norm of stable married life, violence and disorder decline, and peace ensues as men become stakeholders in community life”  Sociologist David Courtwright 11

EVEN IN TODAY’S IMPERFECT MARRIAGES, A WOMAN WHO HAS A HUSBAND, ON AVERAGE, Is better protected from physical harm or sexual abuse Is more protected from depression, Thus drinks less or takes fewer drugs Is less likely to indulge in risky behaviours to get love When compared to women in other forms of relationship 12

MARRIED PARTNERS, ON AVERAGE, DO BETTER ON ALMOST EVERY SOCIAL SCALE Wealthier Healthier (eat better, more money for health, etc.) They have better sex because of trust And are generally happier – life has meaning.– when compared to cohabiting couples, single mothers and divorcees 13

CONCLUSION WHAT IS MARRIAGE – NOT JUST A PIECE OF PAPER Marriage – EVEN WITH all its ups and downs – is, by far and away, the healthiest form of family constellation we know of. Opposite-sex marriage stands as best practice for some 98% of humanity True, it is not perfect for everyone, and things go wrong sometimes, and in many cultures the structure of marital relationships can be improved – but still - things go wrong far more often in other forms of family constellation See: Why Marriage Matters: 30 Conclusions from the Social Sciences www.americanvalues.org/pdfs/dl.php?name=wmm3-30-conclusions When Couples Part: Understanding the Consequences for adults and children 14 www.oneplusone.org.uk/publications/whencouplespartexecutivesummary.pdf

CONCLUSION WHAT IS MARRIAGE – NOT JUST A PIECE OF PAPER Lineage improving opposite-sex marriage has been at the core of many societies of thousands of years. It slowly but surely created the social stability which has allowed society to move from: The rise of democratic traditions Economic development See Books: • The Case for Marriage – Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher • The Marriage-Go-Round – Andrew Cherlin 15 • The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce – Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee

CONCLUSIONWHAT IS MARRIAGE – NOT JUST A PIECE OF PAPER In 1915, every major culture and almost every minor culture in the world was a ‘marriage affirming’ culture. In the ‘survival of the fittest’ cultural battles across world history - ‘marriage-affirming, lineage- improving’ cultures had proved the most successful strategy in creating national strength and well-being. 16

SECTION 2: WHY MARRIAGE IS IMPORTANT TO SOCIETYAT THE START OF THE 20TH CENTURY, WHY DIDN’T WE SEE ANY CULTURES IN THE WORLD THAT WERE MAINLY: Single Mother – either never married or divorced Cohabiting with children And only a few cultures that accepted TIGHTLY REGULATED 17 polygamy

WE DIDN’T SEE SUCH CULTURES BECAUSE IF THEY EVER EXISTED - They eventually collapsed WHY?  Instead of being ‘lineage improving’ cultures - they become ‘the next generation is slightly more damaged – lineage weakening’ cultures Over time, the society becomes so weak that it is easily destroyed by invaders or other forces. In today’s world, lineage weakening leads to state bankruptcy and the collapse of social health 18

HOW DO MARRIAGE DENYING CULTURES BECOME WEAK – LEADING TO COLLAPSE? WE’VE SEEN THAT MARRIED PARENTS, ON AVERAGE, OFFER THEIR CHILDREN SUPPORT IN 7 KEY AREAS This leads to a situation where about 85-90% of children reach adulthood without having major trauma as part of their lives. Though

10-15% of children have some form of trauma – there is enough social strength and money in the system to support them – thus social stability and development is ensured 19

WHEN CHILDREN ARE RAISED IN ANY OTHER FORM OF FAMILY THE RATE OF TRAUMA IS HIGHER – CHILDREN ARE JUST MORE LIKELY TO BE NEGATIVELY AFFECTED IN ANY OF THE 8 AREAS Research from around the world shows that children raised in other forms of family have about a 65-75% chance of reaching adulthood without having trauma as part of their lives. The remaining 25-35% of children have some form of trauma – many very deep. Such a high rate of trauma leads to a collapse of social norms and is financially unsustainable on a social level 20

Children are more likely to suffer from traumas if they are not raised by their own married, biological parents Material well- Living on the poverty line, eat being and unhealthily, no hobbies, live in health trauma deprived parts of town, etc. Emotional I don’t feel loved – leading to drugs or traumas alcoholism, self-harm, depression, suicide, living on medication, psychiatric needs, etc. Moral Increases in crime, violence, bullying, development prison, vandalism, gang culture, binge traumas drinking, etc. Education Drop out of school or college, poor attainment academic record, classroom traumas disruption, truancy, etc. 21

Children not raised by their own married, biological parents are more likely to suffer these traumas School of love Harder for the children to learn traumas important social skills – more anger and resentment, selfishness, lack of empathy, etc. Child abuse Higher rates of sexual or physical traumas abuse – which might lead to host of traumas when reaching adulthood Modelling of Fear of marriage, fear of having the couple children, walk away when marriage relationship gets a bit difficult, a spiral traumas downward effect, etc. Separation from Sometimes children are cut of from extended family the love and support of love traumas grandparents or significant others 22 .

THUS WE CAN SEE SIMILAR GRAPHS IN EVERY DEVELOPEDNATION – AS DIVORCE AND SINGLE PARENTING INCREASED – SO DID TRAUMA RATES IN THE CHILDREN E.G.: USA 23 www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/glance/corrtyp.htm

AS MORE CHILDREN ARE RAISED OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE – SOCIAL TRAUMA INCREASES – E.G.; TOTAL CRIME- SWEDEN 1950-2005 24

AS MARRIAGE BREAKS DOWN – MORE AND MORE PEOPLE LOSE THEIR HEALTHY SOCIAL SKILLS – SKILLS THAT OFTEN TOOK GENERATIONS TO DEVELOP – AND SOCIAL NORMS COLLAPSE Men who struggle to be fathers Increased depression in single parents leading to increased drug abuse leading to poorer parenting Increasing numbers of young women now develop behaviours that make it harder for Soul destroying them to raise their 25 prostitution increases in children almost every country successfully

THUS, DESPITE ALL THE POSITIVE CHANGES MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS, THERE ARE MORE AND MORE PEOPLE WHO FIND IT HARDER TO ENJOY THESE BENEFITS More children with no father to hug them Millions every day more locked Private wealth and away economic develop. We’re OK. 26 More online and Drug overdose deaths physical Bullying And government deficit grows and grows

TRAUMAS ARE VERY EXPENSIVE FOR SOCIETY BECAUSE WHEN PARENTS DON’T RAISE THEIR OWN CHILDREN, GOVERNMENT OFTEN BECOMES A FOSTER PARENT Drug abusers needing hospital treatment – USA Prison population. USA. 1980-2000 1930-2000 At least 1/3 of ALL health system costs are – At least 70% of all justice directly linked to family breakdown system costs are due to Source: Drug abuse warning network, USA marriage weakening 27

TRAUMAS ARE VERY EXPENSIVE FOR SOCIETY Social service caseloads to support Social security spending USA: distressed families are increasing Probably some 40% of social costs are due rapidly to the decline of marriage Source: Legislative Analyst’s Office, CA, USA Source: US government Finland conducted a study recently – ‘How much does it cost to deal with ONE traumatised child across the life-span?’ 28 Answer: About Eur 1,000,000. ($1,300,000)

SOCIETY CAN DEAL WITH SOME TRAUMA – BUT TOO MUCHTRAUMA MAKES THE SOCIETY FINANCIALLY UNSUSTAINABLE How unsustainable – well – if the USA or the UK still had a marriage affirming culture – one where almost all parents took full responsibility for the children they brought into the world -  They would

have no public debt today.  USA debt - $14,000,000,000,000 ($85,000 for every working citizen)  UK debt - $1,500,000,000,000 ($50,000 for every working citizen) 29

MOST DEVELOPED COUNTRIES ARE ALREADY HEAVILY IN DEBT.UNLESS SOMETHING IS DONE SOON TO STRENGTHEN MARRIAGE – STATES WILL GO BANKRUPT WITH GLOBAL CONSEQUENCES Drug abuse needing Prison populations hospital treatment Social benefit payments More retirees needing health care and financial support 30

HOW DID USA AND EU BECOME WEAK MARRIAGE CULTURES? PARTLY BY GOVERNMENTS CREATING POLICIES THAT DESTROY THE VALUE OF THE MARITAL CONTRACT + REFUSING TO SUPPORT THE MARITAL DREAMS OF THE OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF THEIR TAXPAYERS1967 – no fault divorce started. Because of state This redefined marriage from ‘lineage improvement ‘ support – many people to ‘personal happiness’ who are quite capable- Children’s well-being is not important – only one of finding solutions to adult’s personal happiness. their marital difficulties- Law can take the husband’s children away from divorce instead. Divorce him ‘just because he isn’t the perfect husband’ rates start upwards – so- Partners don’t have to take responsibility for their do prison rates and marital promise - ‘for better, for worse’ drug abuse = Social- Took no account of the ups and downs that are a costs normal part of the family life-cycle- State might become new foster parent and assumes financial responsibility - Drug gangs emerge= Marriage becomes ‘just piece of paper’ - Inter-generational single mothering 1970’s – social support starts for single mothers = so living off benefits 31 more single women get pregnant occurs = more social costs

GOVERNMENTS DESTROY THE VALUE OF THE MARTIAL CONTRACT - AND HAVE TO BECOME FOSTER PARENTS Governments fail to follow the advice With states not supporting of research ‘marriage is best practice’ people’s marital dreams -and do very little to support the fragile cohabiting with children marital dreams of the majority of becomes common – with high taxpayers – but instead invest heavily break-up rates = more trauma in supporting divorcees and single and social costs parents – at least 100:1 ratio Due to government policies – birthrates drop – need immigration to As cohabiting becomes a norm pay for pensions and to have – the ‘everyone is doing it’ workers –social tension grows factor appears – so people who are quite capable of marrying don’t = more social costs Years 2015 onwards - Most children raised by a single parent some time Governments have to borrowing their childhood – large amounts heavily to pay for social trauma =of social trauma possibility of financial collapse

THE WEAK MARRIAGE CULTURES OF EUROPE AND USA ARE NOT JUST AFFECTING THEIR OWN CULTURES – THEY ARE DESTROYING OTHER COUNTRIES TOO Drug abuse in EU Sexual demands of single and USA = civil wars men in EU and USA = and drug gangs in prostitution and women trafficking Single mums and female divorcees – USA and Europe create problems for the produce marriage local population when they go abroad in harming films and soap search of a romantic operas – leads to more fling with an exotic divorce and single foreigner parenting elsewhere33

IMAGINE HOW MANY COUNTRIES WOULD SUFFER IMMENSE SOCIAL TRAUMA IF INDIA AND CHINA BECAME WEAK MARRIAGE CULTURES TOO Drug wars and prostitution and drug gangs women trafficking Single mums and female divorcees Many cultures will experience devastating trauma because marriage seek romantic flings has collapsed elsewhere. We will have a very dysfunctional world. This can all happen in 30 years

WHAT ABOUT HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES WHO MARRY AND CAN’T OR DON’T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN? They contribute to the social good by their supportive commitment to each other – bringing about, on average, better health and well-being Through their sexual exclusivity, they also uphold the norms of marriage – clarifying its definition for the benefit of the social 35 good.

I THOUGHT MARRIAGE WAS ABOUT FINDING A SOUL MATE AND LASTING PERSONAL HAPPINESS It’s true – personal happiness is important, and so is sharing one’s life with someone with whom you can feel deep connection with. Nature, however, also provided us with sexual attraction and this primarily exists for one main purpose – to bring couples together to create babies. It is this form of bonding – connection leading to procreation - that is at the heart of the purpose of marriage. 36

I THOUGHT MARRIAGE WAS ABOUT PERSONAL HAPPINESS And just like many species have to go through all kinds of challenging situations to raise their offspring, our married and child-raising path is full of challenges – and the

feeling of love can disappear for periods of time. The marital commitment, however, is there to maintain the connection between you and your soul mate during those difficult times – allowing you to come out the other side together, hopefully more in love – allowing you to continue to enrich your 37 children’s lives across the life-span.

AS HUMAN BEINGS WE CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THIS ONE FACT One of the KEY things that helps us to grow up to become stable, loving human beings is knowing that BOTH our biological parents show us that we are worthy of love and respect – just for being who we are. When we don’t have both our biological parents there to show us this love, it is sometimes more challenging for us to gain this feeling. So instead, I might look for acceptance and love in all kinds of unhealthy places. This might lead to a host of negative outcomes. See: Brene Brown:www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html 38

SUMMARY From the research – it appears that we human beings, have only ONE main form of family constellation which is lineage improving – opposite-sex, married partners raising their own biological children. Despite its present limitations ONLY THIS family formation gets nature’s sustainability and well-being blessing 39

SUMMARY: EVEN THOUGH MANY PARENTS IN OTHER FORMS OFFAMILY CAN RAISE WONDERFUL CHILDREN - RESEARCH CLEARLYSHOWS THAT ALL OTHER FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS ULTIMATELY LEAD TO LINEAGE WEAKENING – AND THUS TO SOCIAL DECLINE single parenting and divorced parenting cohabiting with children – because they separate 65- 70% of the time whilst children are under 16 See: http://unitedfamilies.org/default.asp?contentID=18 for comprehensive database of research on family issues Polygamy on a world level would lead to poor outcomes (e.g.; many, many men unable to find a wife – leading increases in prostitution, etc.) 40

CONCLUSION: OPPOSITE-SEX LIFE-LONG COMMITMENT IS THEONLY WAY HUMANS RECEIVE NATURE’S SUSTAINABILITY AND WELL-BEING BLESSINGS. WE ARE IN GOOD COMPANY Emperor Swans Bald Eagle Penguins Gibbons Prairie Vole 41

SECTION 3 – WHAT CAN BE DONE?ARE WE SAYING THAT THE BEST MANKIND CAN DO IS HAVE MARRIAGES – SOME OF WHICH ARE SUCCESSFUL – BUT MANY OF THEM STRUGGLING, WITH PARTNERS JUSTSTAYING TOGETHER ‘FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR CHILDREN’? IS THIS THE WAY WE HUMANS RECEIVE NATURE’S SUSTAINABILITY AND WELL-BEING BLESSINGS ? 42

NO – THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY The ‘family as a school of love’ doesn’t only apply to the children – it applies to the adults too. When adults marry, they are learners in the art of marital love – and life’s journey involves us learning more each day about how love works. The question is:  ‘Can society can get better at supporting married partners when they come across the typical bumps that lie along the road of marital life – helping them over the bumps so they can continue on life’s journey together?’ and also  ‘Can a range of social institutions get better at helping married partners become more loving over the years 43

IF SOCIETIES CAN GET BETTER AT BOTH OF THESE – HELPING MARRIED COUPLES OVER THE BUMPS, AND IMPROVING THESTANDARD OF LOVE THAT PARTNERS OFFER EACH OTHER – THENEVER MORE COUPLES WILL FIND THEMSELVES BEING REWARDED WITH NATURE’S SUSTAINABILITY AND WELL- BEING BLESSINGS It’s what the overwhelming majority of people want – both young adults and the parents of those young adults – so 44 it’s time states started supporting what their citizens want

GOVERNMENTS CAN SUPPORT THE MARITAL DREAMS OF THE MAJORITY THROUGH THE EDUCATION SYSTEM Our schools mainly prepare young people for jobs, but they can also teach them how they might build better relationships? (Some USA states are finally starting to do this) See: www.dibbleinstitute.org and www.freeteensusa.org for example school programs Also, can we offer marriage and dating education courses in higher education – helping young adults prepare for their 45 family life

THE STATE CAN HELP CITIZENS BETTER PREPARE FOR THE MARRIED LIFE BY OFFERING SUPPORT FOR ENGAGED COUPLES State supported pre-marital counselling (PMC) – helping engaged partners identify issues where they might struggle once married (finances, roles around home, child rearing beliefs) , etc. About 10% of couples that do PMC realize they are quite incompatible Sponsored pre-marital education – helping young adults (many of whom were

never raised both their parents) understand the key 46 elements that help marriages succeed.

HOW CAN THE STATE HELP?RELATIONSHIP EDUCATION CENTRES IN EVERY COMMUNITY Since marital relationships go up and down across the family life-cycle, every community should have a relationship centre like a health centre, where people can go to get professional advice, education or help when their couple relationship is struggling. (Australia is pioneering these – See www.relationships.com.au)  Couples counselling and mediation  Marital enrichment and parenting courses  Abuse and addiction support Citizens can go to a place where they get real help 47 – not just anti-depressants

HOW CAN THE STATE HELP? SUPPORT ONGOING MARITAL ENRICHMENT Support and subsidize a range of marital enrichment programs Research which programs seem to be more effective Develop best practice models that others can follow. See: www.nermen.org for a range of research and resources. See best practice report: www.nermen.org/Guide_to_Programming.phpSee: www.smartmarriages.com/app/Directory.BrowsePrograms for 48 a wide range of programs that are available

HOW CAN THE STATE HELP? TAX AND SOCIAL BENEFITS Does the tax and benefit system encourage people to marry and stay married – or does it penalise couples for trying to do the right thing? (still today some countries penalise people for marrying - and this encourages couples to enter in to more fragile cohabitation) 49

HOW CAN THE STATE HELP?UNIVERSITY DEPARTMENTS – TRAINING AND RESEARCH To achieve the above goals we need departments of marriage and family in various universities – producing experts, lecturers, good research, developing best practice interventions, writing books, holding conferences – creating a spill-over that supports marriage enrichment in other fields -religion, politics and social services.(many developed nations – like GB and Finland - don’t have even one department of marriage and family in their university system -while many married taxpayers struggle for years with fairly simple to fix relationship issues. Meanwhile universities offer several degree programs on gender issues or families in general. This is negligence in its highest form).See - http://mft.byu.edu/ for best practice 50

How can the state help? Counselling Support for Struggling Couples Most couples who want to divorce are moderately struggling – not suffering from major abuse or violence– and supportive counselling can do a lot to help them through their difficulty Only 12.5 percent of parents attending a marriage education program within three weeks of starting divorce proceedings went through with the divorce - Margie J. Geasler and Karen R. Blaisure, 1998 51

THERE ARE MANY OTHER THINGS STATES CAN DO TO SUPPORT THEIR CITIZENS MARITAL DREAMS – E.G.; Marital enrichment classes as part of pre-natal courses. E.g.; Bring baby home program - www.bbhonline.org Celebrate and strengthen marriage in local communities E.g. www.Firstthings.org Marital support for couples going through short or long-term trauma (e.g.; unemployment, a disabled or sick child, a long-term illness, etc. – all increase the chances of divorce) Develop a marriage index – one that clearly identifies how well the marriages in your country are doing and set goals to increase positive outcomes See: www.americanvalues.org/pdfs/IAV_Marriage_Index_09_25_09.pdf for index ideas + a hundred other ideas for strengthening marriage Also: www.heritage.org/Research/Reports/2011/06/A-Marshall-Plan-for- Marriage-Rebuilding- Our-Shattered-Homes 52

SUPPORTING MARRIAGE IS NOT ENOUGH Because people have a strong tendency to follow the money From today governments have to stop offering financial support to adults who wish to choose a family lifestyle that leads to:  The possibility of an increase in social decay (e.g.: Single parenting)  The imposition of a heavy financial burden on the rest of society. It’s important for governments to recognize that children have rights too – that they want a fruitful and happy life – and that is most likely to occur if they are raised by their two, married, biological parents, who receive support along their journey through life. That’s what the next generation wants and needs and that’s what states should support with their finances 53

THE TIME TO ACT IN SUPPORT OF MARRIAGE IS NOW Some states are already close to a financial tipping point of no return – they will go bankrupt if they carry on not supporting their citizens marital dreams. If states today feel they don’t have the finances available to strengthen marriages, in 10 years time, with even more social problems to deal with, it will be close to impossible to find the money. 54

CONCLUSION: IF DEVELOPED NATIONS, OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS, HAD LEANT HOW TO SUPPORT THE MARITAL DREAM OF THE MAJORITY OF THEIR CITIZENS: Today’s marriages would be much more stable and loving places than they were in the 1950’s We would have a society that was far richer Our jails would be far emptier Our drug problems far smaller Our children would grow up in a far friendlier society Most people want marital success. What are we waiting for? 55

RELIGIONS CAN DO MUCH TO SUPPORT MARRIAGES Train members of your congregation: To give a variety of marriage education seminars, To offer pre-marital counselling To be mentor couples for newly-weds To support couples that are going through a struggling time. Create a community marriage policy – where every church, synagogue, mosque or temple in a city agrees to support marriage in the above ways – thus protecting the whole community See www.communitymarriagepolicy.org 56

MARRIED COUPLES –KEEPING YOUR MARRIAGE HEALTHY TAKES EFFORT AND TIME BUT IT’S WELL WORTH IT The best way to love your children is to love your partner Read a marriage education book together every year and improve your abilities to love Go on a marriage enrichment seminar every 5 years Make time for each other – find interesting dates The number one predictor of a successful marriage – offer each other positive affection at least 5 times a day in a way that your partner appreciates 57

THE MEDIA – CREATES A LOT OF SOCIAL HARM BY PROMOTING ANTI-MARRIAGE NORMS The media can play a major role in supporting marriage – leading to a healthier society for all The media needs to show more honesty – what really happens when people follow an anti-marriage path.  When the married boss leaves his faithful wife for the younger secretary – and marries her – he has a 90% chance of divorce  The STD’s and infertility that comes from jumping into bed on first or second dates or the negative effects of cohabitation  And to stop running marriage down and making every other form of romantic relationship look more exciting – not true Media can also play a big role in showing healthy dating patterns, good communication strategies, enriching affection between 58 marital partners, etc.

BUSINESSES CAN SUPPORT THE MARITAL DREAMS OF THEIR EMPLOYEES TOOA divorcing employee will lose at least a months or even 3 months output One who is overly stressed at home will take many more days off work. Holding relationship enrichment seminars in the work place – or just helping your employees develop new communication and teamwork skills – will help them become better employees too. Couples in happier relationships are also more loyal employees. 59

IT’S NOT SURPRISING THAT CHILDREN DO BEST WHEN RAISED BY THEIR TWO MARRIED, BIOLOGICAL PARENTS We are born with a strong emotional desire to know we are loved by the two people who created us. After we know we’re loved, we more likely to be motivated to study and to behave appropriately. And by working together our parents are more able to offer us material stability, protection and healthy modelling. 60

CONCLUSION: IT’S MARRIAGE OR BUST MARRIAGE, WHEN DONE RIGHT, WILL OFFER HUMANITY THE VERY BEST BLESSINGS THAT NATURE HAS TO OFFER. – MARRIAGE – “one man, one woman, who invest together in their children to offer lineage improvement” is probably the most important word in the human language. When something is important to you, you cherish it, value it, nurture it 61

SPECIAL THANKS GOES OUT ALL the marriage experts who inspired this slideshow Stephen Stacey lectures on the couple relationship in Finland and runs marriage enrichment seminarswww.creationofacouple.com 62

THE VALUE OF MARRIAGE TO SOCIETY

By Stephen Stacey

THE MEANING AND VALUE OF THE BLESSING From

Blessed Family and the Ideal Kingdom I / Blessing and Ideal Family Pages 386 - 394

THE BLESSING: THE IDEAL • The place of meeting of the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth and in Heaven. Also, it is the meeting place of the eternal world and the temporal world.

• Perfection of Man & Woman’s love = Perfection of the Universe, universal order and the vertical world.

• The Blessing is one man and one woman centering on God’s Will, becoming True Father and True Mother, producing True Love.” - pg 391

• The meaning of the Blessing is that True Parents and True Children are fulfilling the purpose of creation.

• You must know that you were to be the sons and daughters of God.

THE BLESSING : THE IDEAL

The Unification Church is to start one world from the will of God. Centering on the unchanging love of God, a True man and Woman become one horizontally with each other and vertically with God. (pg387)

As Man & Woman gradually get closer to the center of the eternal world centered on God and unite into one in that center, they will give birth to sons and daughters who are born as the fruit of love. Such sons and daughters who are born as the fruit of love, through give and take action centering on parents who are one with God, will produce the four position foundation.

“By the formation of a three-generation family with God’s love, God can dwell on the family level and the eternally existing family ideal form is completed. Through the family we can have God, receive God’s love, exhibit God’s character and inherit the subjectivity of God. There is nothing more a human being desires. (Pg 389)”

THE BLESSING: The Fall The perfection of Man & Woman’s love which is the perfection of the universe was broken as well as the universal order and the vertical world at the fall.

True Parents made Satan surrender – The Blessing is the place to inherit the ownership deed to True Parents accomplishments

The human ancestors fell and a man and a woman were chased out of the Garden of Eden, therefore the husband and wife must triumph over that situation. That is the Blessing.

The Blessing is the opportunity to triumph over the fall and to overcome the encapsulation of the vertical history of satanic sovereignty.

The Blessing is the banner for the battle against the satanic world.

THE BLESSING: The Fall

Because man and woman met wrongly and were chased out, man and woman must do well and must work to restore everything. The Blessing is making the foundation for this. The Blessing is the dividing point of good and evil, if you receive it in the wrong way you will be ruined. “if you obtain the entire satanic world, you would own a sorrowful world” The historical satanic sovereignty until today is being overcome completely by the Blessing. We restore fallen man and woman centering on True Love by giving the Blessing. The Unification Church is the place to educate people to enter the Heavenly World by bearing the cross of the teenage problem and all satanic crosses, and putting on white robes.

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History

• The 66 books of the Bible are not scattered. They are organized by the word Blessing. If you study these 66 books, you will find that they harmonize reasonably with the victorious Blessed Couple. (pg 390)

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • If Jesus had had the family horizontally representing the same length of time (four thousand years of history), the tribe could have been indemnified within history. If that had happened, Jesus’ clan, tribe and nation could have been established. In order to win that family, Jesus suffered for 33 years. He could not get the Blessing even after he suffered 33 years – and you think you know the value of the Blessing? The Blessing opens the door upon the solution of thousands of years of searching.

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History

The Blessing is the Marriage of the Lamb

The Blessing: The Consummation of Restoration History • The Blessing is the consummation of Christianity where the bride comes in front of the bridegroom

• “Christianity has been shedding blood for two thousand years, waiting to be the bride. Likewise, God has worked through the way of the Providence in order to find one man and one woman to whom to give the Blessing.

• The religions which have been leading the human race do not know about the Blessing. A majority of religions emphasize an ascetic life and are prepared to be the bride. The difference between the Unification Church and other religions is that the Unification Church has the Blessing in the Name of the True Parents.

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • The Blessing is the starting time of the Messiah, who has the name of the Bridegroom and Bride.

• The Blessing is the foundation to allow Man & Woman, centering on God and True Parents, to restore everything. – the 4,000 years of the providence, a restored family centered on God’s Will and the Victorious Foundation.

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • Thus Blessing means to receive good fortune • The Blessing cannot be exchanged for heaven and earth • The Blessing is the Ultimate gift in human history • In the Garden of Eden, if a woman had not been created, what would have happened? The fact is that the existence of women is the cosmic magic. This is the truth. The magic among all magical events is the existence of man and woman. If just one side existed, human history would have ended • The Blessing is the new tradition of love which is the road of tradition • The Blessing is receiving the principled way • Never exchange the Blessing for anything • The Blessing is not fulfilled easily • The Blessing - externally may not look so special but the content has incredible difference • The Blessing cannot be bought, no matter the price

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • If you are one with God, you can become whole and whatever God has can be received; eternal life, universal love, His worldview, the most valuable part of God’s love, God Himself, everything is being bequeathed- the Blessing is the same as inheriting everything. You received God’s love previously but by the Blessing we can receive God’s Substantiality and Substance - it is not just God’s, but then it becomes yours. • The Unification Church is to start one world from the will of God, centering on the unchanging love of God, a True Man and Woman become one horizontally with each other and vertically with God. • The Blessing is making an eternal relationship and connection with True Parents and inheriting their connection. • The Blessing is connecting the children of Adam and Eve, who could not become one centering on God’s love, to a relationship with God through the standard of love.

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • Giving the Blessing means transferring Heavenly Authority • The Blessing is the opportunity to make the absolute connection with the True Parents • The Blessing is the road of tradition, the beginning of the new world • The Blessing is a majestic and yet fearful time, the point of life and death • Your spouse is your connection to eternity • Without loving humanity and the cosmos centering on true love, you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven • Blessing is the point of life and death; in order to participate in this enormous Blessing place you must make an historical determination.

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • If you taste True Love in the Unification Church, that light of love must follow you no matter where in the world you go. Without loving humanity and the cosmos centering on true love, you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • The Blessing is the opening of Heaven’s door. You enter with your children.

• Heaven is entered after fulfilling the family.

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • The purpose of history was to find the one family origin from whom new seeds will spread who will become new trees. • The Blessing is the condition for restoration by indemnity whereby you are taking responsibility for your family’s destiny. Family by family, families are making the worldwide Satan surrender and pioneering the road for the world. You must think that you exist in order to give. Don’t receive the Blessing selfishly but in order to give.

THE BLESSING: Consummation of Restoration History • Until now, marriage was centered on the individual self, but our wedding ceremony is holy and has the content to make God happy and the condition to indemnity history. Our marriage ceremony is to liberate God’s grief caused by Adam and Eve’s fall and fulfill what Jesus could not do, which is to pass through the standard of the bride and bridegroom” (pg 388)

• “Even though in the last couple to get engaged the bride is missing one eye, her nose is tilted, she is missing an ear, one arm is not there and she may be disabled in the worst way, she will receive the glory of the world. Not because of these problems, but because she is blessed by the teacher.” (392)

THE BLESSING: True Parents and Your Blessed Central Family • You cannot become perfect by yourself. You are perfected by the love of parents entirely. When a son is born from parents, whether he is handsome or not, he resembles his parents. In the same way, the Unification Church teaches about the True Parents’ mission.

• True Parents are taking responsibility for your life, for your eternity – that’s why the Blessing is so valuable for the value of one life is greater than the universe.

THE BLESSING: Your Responsibility

• The Blessing is the ceremony of initiation for the path to inherit True Parents’ accomplishments. We ourselves do not have any value other than the ability to proclaim the Principle and spread principled opinions. Then, Satan cannot do anything. The Blessing is an eternal jewel, one form of promise to be further carried out by 10,000 descendants – however, if someone brings stains into that lineage, that lineage will be affected.

THE BLESSING: Your Responsibility

• Spouses must not betray each other and the potential for the nation and world to be formed from their good ancestors. Therefore, those who receive the Blessing must think about the universe with their eyes open.

THE BLESSING: Your Responsibility

• To receive the Blessing correctly you must inherit the heart and love of the Father. God’s love is absolute, unchanging and unique because God is absolute and eternal. You must reach that heart of God. God’s love can only abide in the absolute, unchanging heart. In order to make God abide in you forever, you must make Satan surrender and you must become the eternal and unchanging self. • The Blessing is given so that you can give the Blessing to others.

THE BLESSING: Your Responsibility • If you don’t understand the value of the Blessing: • “You are like a prince born to a royal family, who does not know his value when he is a baby. Since you have grown up, you must recognize yourself as the Prince of Heaven and Heavenly People, and you must have the proper manners for all situations and fulfill your responsibility based on your own position” pg 391

THE MEANING AND VALUE OF THE BLESSING

SECTION 1: WHAT IS MARRIAGE WE ARE ALL PART OF THE CIRCLE OF LIFE  We are tiny part of the history of mankind.

 In some ways we are just caretakers – making sure we keep the best of what past generations developed, and  In some ways we are creators – making sure we add our own positive contribution so future generations benefit  The key to human development: “Can my children be slightly more caring, slightly more intelligent, slightly better at building intimate relationships, and slightly less traumatized - because of my input into my family?”  If my overall contribution is positive, then the future of my descendants is more secure. If my overall contribution is negative – my family tree takes a step backwards and future generations 2 may suffer.

EVERY SPECIES OF ANIMAL HAS DISCOVERED THEIR WAY OF RAISING THEIR OFFSPRING SO THEIR SPECIES SURVIVE FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS – AND THEY DO IT JUST THAT ONE WAY

Harem style – alpha male has Lay hundreds and Pair bonding eagles several ‘wives’ who raise hope 1 or 2 survive offspring in groups Each of these ways of raising children allows each species to receive nature’s blessings of survival and well-being. If they changed their family structures to a different one – they probably would become extinct within one generation 3

OR Cohabiting with Single Mother – children never married or divorced Only This? Heterosexual marriage with children 4 Polygamy

WHAT IS MARRIAGE? – CURRENT DEFINITION  Union of a man and a woman

 A desire to make a permanent commitment and to offer sexual exclusivity towards each other IN ORDER THAT  The children created by their love benefit – behaviorally, materially and psychologically  I pass on the good qualities of my ancestors + plus add my own positive creative input so that my children have more positive qualities than I have. Marriage and family building, when done reasonably well, brings about ‘lineage improvement’ 5

THE MARITAL COMMITMENT ALLOWS PARENTS TO INVEST SO THEIR CHILDREN BENEFIT IN 8 KEY WAYS 1. Children’s health and material well-being 2. Children’s emotional well-being 3. Their educational attainment 4. Disciplining and moral development 5. The family is a school of love – learning important social skills – forgiveness, tolerance, altruism, etc 6. Protecting the children from abuse in any form 7. Modelling of a couple relationship so children have some successful strategies when they build their families 8. Extended family love and support from both sides of the family

6 If parents do their job well – lineage improvement occurs.

 Single parent homes, never married  Single parent homes, divorced  Cohabiting couples with children  Step-parenting homes  Children raised by same-sex couples  All other family constellations

Marriage is the most successful family constellation for creating ‘lineage improvement’ – the next generation is a bit better than the last 7

WHAT IS MARRIAGE: – THE CIRCLE OF LIFE MOVES FORWARD Society should try to help more children grow up with their two biological, married parents in a reasonably healthy, stable relationship – not to pay respect to a Victorian idea of proper behaviour, but because the overwhelming consensus of research shows that’s the very best way to raise children. - Theodora Ooms, Center for Law and Social Policy, USA

IT’S IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT EVEN IF A COUPLE ARE GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH, OR EVEN IF THEY MODERATELY STRUGGLE FOR SEVERAL YEARS – THEY STILL OFFER THEIR CHILDREN MOST OF THESE BENEFITS Health/material well-being Educational attainment Emotional well-being Protection from abuse Modelling of the couple relationship Disciplining and moral development Family is a school of love Extended family support Once parents separate it just becomes more complicated to maintain these benefits. Some divorced husbands and wives work very hard to fulfil their parental roles and the children are still very protected. Others struggle and the children lose more of these 9 benefits as a result.

WITH THE MARITAL COMMITMENT AND FIDELITY IN PLACE – HUSBANDS ALSO, ON AVERAGE, DO BETTER ON EVERY SOCIAL SCALE  It allows men to channel their natural sex drive into something that has positive outcomes for society  It allows men to enter into community building - helping them move from independent thinking to thinking about how they can use their life to benefit others – and to find meaning through focusing on homebuilding and child rearing 10

“Because of divorce, young men in England and Germany have become much more prone to criminality, drug abuse, and sub-criminal disorder.”  Norman Dennis, University of Newcastle, UK

 “When men and boys embrace the norm of stable married life, violence and disorder decline, and peace ensues as men become stakeholders in community life”  Sociologist David Courtwright

EVEN IN TODAY’S IMPERFECT MARRIAGES, A WOMAN WHO HAS A HUSBAND, ON AVERAGE,  Is better protected from physical harm or sexual abuse  Is more protected from depression,

 Thus drinks less or takes fewer drugs

 Is less likely to indulge in risky behaviours to get love

When compared to women in other forms of relationship

MARRIED PARTNERS, ON AVERAGE, DO BETTER ON ALMOST EVERY SOCIAL SCALE

 Healthier (eat better, more money for health, etc)  They have better sex because of trust

 And are generally happier – life has meaning.

– when compared to cohabiting couples, single mothers and divorcees 13

See: Why Marriage Matters: 30 Conclusions from the Social Sciences www.americanvalues.org/pdfs/dl.php?name=wmm3-30-conclusions When Couples Part: Understanding the Consequences for adults and children 14 www.oneplusone.org.uk/publications/whencouplespartexecutivesummary.pdf

The rise of democratic traditions

Economic development See Books: • The Case for Marriage – Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher • The Marriage-Go-Round – Andrew Cherlin • The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce – Julia Lewis 15

and Sandra Blakeslee

CONCLUSION WHAT IS MARRIAGE – NOT JUST A PIECE OF PAPER

In 1915, every major culture and almost every minor culture in the world was a ‘marriage affirming’ culture. In the ‘survival of the fittest’ cultural battles across world history - ‘marriage-affirming, lineage- improving’ cultures had proved the most successful strategy in creating national strength and well-being. 16

SECTION 2: WHY MARRIAGE IS IMPORTANT TO SOCIETY AT THE START OF THE 20TH CENTURY, WHY DIDN’T WE SEE ANY CULTURES IN THE WORLD THAT WERE MAINLY:

Single Mother – either never married or divorced

Cohabiting with children And only a few cultures that accepted TIGHTLY REGULATED 17 polygamy

WE DIDN’T SEE SUCH CULTURES BECAUSE IF THEY EVER EXISTED -

They eventually collapsed WHY?  Instead of being ‘lineage improving’ cultures - they become ‘the next generation is slightly more damaged – lineage weakening’ cultures  Over time, the society becomes so weak that it is easily destroyed by invaders or other forces.  In today’s world, lineage weakening leads to state bankruptcy and the collapse of social health 18

HOW DO MARRIAGE DENYING CULTURES BECOME WEAK – LEADING TO COLLAPSE? WE’VE SEEN THAT MARRIED PARENTS, ON AVERAGE, OFFER THEIR CHILDREN SUPPORT IN 7 KEY AREAS

This leads to a situation where about 85-90% of children reach adulthood without having major trauma as part of their lives. Though 10-15% of children have some form of trauma – there is enough social strength and money in the system to support them – thus social stability and development is ensured 19

Children are more likely to suffer from traumas if they are not raised by their own married, biological parents

Material well- Living on the poverty line, eat being and unhealthily, no hobbies, live in health trauma deprived parts of town, etc Emotional I don’t feel loved – leading to drugs or traumas alcoholism, self-harm, depression, suicide, living on medication, psychiatric needs, etc Moral Increases in crime, violence, bullying, development prison, vandalism, gang culture, binge traumas drinking, etc

Education Drop out of school or college, poor attainment academic record, classroom traumas disruption, truancy, etc 21

Modelling of Fear of marriage, fear of having the couple children, walk away when marriage relationship gets a bit difficult, a spiral traumas downward effect, etc Separation from Sometimes children are cut of from extended family the love and support of love traumas grandparents or significant others 22

THUS WE CAN SEE SIMILAR GRAPHS IN EVERY DEVELOPED NATION – AS DIVORCE AND SINGLE PARENTING INCREASED – SO DID TRAUMA RATES IN THE CHILDREN E.G.: USA

23 www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/glance/corrtyp.htm

AS MORE CHILDREN ARE RAISED OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE – SOCIAL TRAUMA INCREASES – E.G.; TOTAL CRIME- SWEDEN 1950-2005

AS MARRIAGE BREAKS DOWN – MORE AND MORE PEOPLE LOSE THEIR HEALTHY SOCIAL SKILLS – SKILLS THAT OFTEN TOOK GENERATIONS TO DEVELOP – AND SOCIAL NORMS COLLAPSE

Men who struggle to be fathers Increased depression in single parents leading to increased drug abuse leading to poorer parenting

Increasing numbers of young women now develop behaviours that make it harder for Soul destroying them to raise their 25 prostitution increases in children almost every country successfully

THUS, DESPITE ALL THE POSITIVE CHANGES MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS, THERE ARE MORE AND MORE PEOPLE WHO FIND IT HARDER TO ENJOY THESE BENEFITS

More children with no father to hug them Millions every day more locked Private wealth and away economic develop. We’re OK.

26 More online and Drug overdose deaths physical Bullying And government deficit grows and grows

At least 1/3 of ALL health system costs are – At least 70% of all justice directly linked to family breakdown system costs are due to Source: Drug abuse warning network, USA marriage weakening 27

Source: Legislative Analyst’s Office, CA, USA Source: US government

Finland conducted a study recently – ‘How much does it cost to deal with ONE traumatised child across the life-span?’ 28

Answer: About Eur 1,000,000. ($1,300,000)

SOCIETY CAN DEAL WITH SOME TRAUMA – BUT TOO MUCH TRAUMA MAKES THE SOCIETY FINANCIALLY UNSUSTAINABLE

 How unsustainable – well – if the USA or the UK still had a marriage affirming culture – one where almost all parents took full responsibility for the children they brought into the world -  They would have no public debt today.

 USA debt - $14,000,000,000,000

($85,000 for every working citizen)  UK debt - $1,500,000,000,000

($50,000 for every working citizen) 29

MOST DEVELOPED COUNTRIES ARE ALREADY HEAVILY IN DEBT. UNLESS SOMETHING IS DONE SOON TO STRENGTHEN MARRIAGE – STATES WILL GO BANKRUPT WITH GLOBAL CONSEQUENCES Drug abuse needing Prison populations hospital treatment

Social benefit payments More retirees needing health care and financial support

HOW DID USA AND EU BECOME WEAK MARRIAGE CULTURES? PARTLY BY GOVERNMENTS CREATING POLICIES THAT DESTROY THE VALUE OF THE MARITAL CONTRACT + REFUSING TO SUPPORT THE MARITAL DREAMS OF THE OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF THEIR TAXPAYERS 1967 – no fault divorce started. Because of state This redefined marriage from ‘lineage improvement ‘ support – many people to ‘personal happiness’ who are quite capable - Children’s well-being is not important – only one of finding solutions to adult’s personal happiness. their marital difficulties - Law can take the husband’s children away from divorce instead. Divorce him ‘just because he isn’t the perfect husband’ rates start upwards – so - Partners don’t have to take responsibility for their do prison rates and marital promise - ‘for better, for worse’ drug abuse = Social - Took no account of the ups and downs that are a costs normal part of the family life-cycle - State might become new foster parent and assumes financial responsibility - Drug gangs emerge = Marriage becomes ‘just piece of paper’ - Inter-generational single mothering 1970’s – social support starts for single mothers = so living off benefits31 more single women get pregnant occurs = more social costs

Due to government policies – birth rates drop – need immigration to As cohabiting becomes a norm pay for pensions and to have – the ‘everyone is doing it’ workers –social tension grows factor appears – so people who are quite capable of marrying don’t = more social costs Years 2015 onwards - Most children raised by a single parent some time Governments have to borrow in their childhood – large amounts heavily to pay for social trauma = of social trauma possibility of financial collapse

Single mums and female divorcees – USA and Europe create problems for the produce marriage local population when they go abroad in harming films and soap search of a romantic operas – leads to more fling with an exotic divorce and single foreigner parenting elsewhere33

IMAGINE HOW MANY COUNTRIES WOULD SUFFER IMMENSE SOCIAL TRAUMA IF INDIA AND CHINA BECAME WEAK MARRIAGE CULTURES TOO Drug wars and prostitution and drug gangs women trafficking

Single mums and female divorcees Many cultures will experience devastating trauma because marriage seek romantic flings has collapsed elsewhere. We will have a very dysfunctional world. This can all happen in 30 years

WHAT ABOUT HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES WHO MARRY AND CAN’T OR DON’T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN?

 They contribute to the social good by their supportive commitment to each other – bringing about, on average, better health and well-being  Through their sexual exclusivity, they also uphold the norms of marriage – clarifying its definition for the benefit of the social 35 good.

I THOUGHT MARRIAGE WAS ABOUT FINDING A SOUL MATE AND LASTING PERSONAL HAPPINESS

 It’s true – personal happiness is important, and so is sharing one’s life with someone with whom you can feel deep connection with. Nature, however, also provided us with sexual attraction and this primarily exists for one main purpose – to bring couples together to create babies. It is this form of bonding – connection leading to procreation - that is at the heart of the purpose of marriage. 36

I THOUGHT MARRIAGE WAS ABOUT PERSONAL HAPPINESS

 And just like many species have to go through all kinds of challenging situations to raise their offspring, our married and child-raising path is full of challenges – and the feeling of love can disappear for periods of time.  The marital commitment, however, is there to maintain the connection between you and your soul mate during those difficult times – allowing you to come out the other side together, hopefully more in love – allowing you to continue to enrich your 37 children’s lives across the life-span.

AS HUMAN BEINGS WE CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THIS ONE FACT  One of the KEY things that helps us to grow up to become stable, loving human beings is knowing that BOTH our biological parents show us that we are worthy of love and respect – just for being who we are.  When we don’t have both our biological parents there to show us this love, it is sometimes more challenging for us to gain this feeling. So instead, I might look for acceptance and love in all kinds of unhealthy places. This might lead to a host of negative outcomes. See: Brene Brown: www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html 38

SUMMARY  From the research – it appears that we human beings, have only ONE main form of family constellation which is lineage improving – opposite-sex, married partners raising their own biological children.  Despite its present limitations ONLY THIS family formation gets nature’s sustainability and well-being blessing

 single parenting and divorced parenting

 cohabiting with children – because they separate 65- 70% of the time whilst children are under 16 See: http://unitedfamilies.org/default.asp?contentID=18 for comprehensive database of research on family issues  Polygamy on a world level would lead to poor outcomes (e.g.; many, many men unable to find a wife – leading increases in prostitution, etc) 40

CONCLUSION: OPPOSITE-SEX LIFE-LONG COMMITMENT IS THE ONLY WAY HUMANS RECEIVE NATURE’S SUSTAINABILITY AND WELL-BEING BLESSINGS. WE ARE IN GOOD COMPANY

Emperor Swans Bald Eagle Penguins

Gibbons Prairie Vole 41

SECTION 3 – WHAT CAN BE DONE? ARE WE SAYING THAT THE BEST MANKIND CAN DO IS HAVE MARRIAGES – SOME OF WHICH ARE SUCCESSFUL – BUT MANY OF THEM STRUGGLING, WITH PARTNERS JUST STAYING TOGETHER ‘FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR CHILDREN’? IS THIS THE WAY WE HUMANS RECEIVE NATURE’S SUSTAINABILITY AND WELL-BEING BLESSINGS ?

 ‘Can society can get better at supporting married partners when they come across the typical bumps that lie along the road of marital life – helping them over the bumps so they can continue on life’s journey together?’ and also  ‘Can a range of social institutions get better at helping married partners become more loving over the years 43

It’s what the overwhelming majority of people want – both young adults and the parents of those young adults – so 44 it’s time states started supporting what their citizens want

GOVERNMENTS CAN SUPPORT THE MARITAL DREAMS OF THE MAJORITY THROUGH THE EDUCATION SYSTEM

 Our schools mainly prepare young people for jobs, but they can also teach them how they might build better relationships? (Some USA states are finally starting to do this) See: www.dibbleinstitute.org and www.freeteensusa.org for example school programs  Also, can we offer marriage and dating education courses in higher education – helping young adults prepare for their 45

THE STATE CAN HELP CITIZENS BETTER PREPARE FOR THE MARRIED LIFE BY OFFERING SUPPORT FOR ENGAGED COUPLES  State supported pre-marital counselling (PMC) – helping engaged partners identify issues where they might struggle once married (finances, roles around home, child rearing beliefs) , etc.  About 10% of couples that do PMC realize they are quite incompatible  Sponsored pre-marital education – helping young adults (many of whom were never raised both their parents) understand the key 46

elements that help marriages succeed.

HOW CAN THE STATE HELP? RELATIONSHIP EDUCATION CENTRES IN EVERY COMMUNITY  Since marital relationships go up and down across the family life-cycle, every community should have a relationship centre like a health centre, where people can go to get professional advice, education or help when their couple relationship is struggling.  (Australia is pioneering these – See www.relationships.com.au)  Couples counselling and mediation  Marital enrichment and parenting courses  Abuse and addiction support

Citizens can go to a place where they get real help 47 – not just anti-depressants

HOW CAN THE STATE HELP? SUPPORT ONGOING MARITAL ENRICHMENT  Support and subsidize a range of marital enrichment programs  Research which programs seem to be more effective

 Develop best practice models that others can follow.

See: www.nermen.org for a range of research and resources. See best practice report: www.nermen.org/Guide_to_Programming.php See: www.smartmarriages.com/app/Directory.BrowsePrograms for 48 a wide range of programs that are available

HOW CAN THE STATE HELP? TAX AND SOCIAL BENEFITS

 Does the tax and benefit system encourage people to marry and stay married – or does it penalise couples for trying to do the right thing? (still today some countries penalise people for marrying - and this encourages couples to enter in to more fragile cohabitation) 49

HOW CAN THE STATE HELP? UNIVERSITY DEPARTMENTS – TRAINING AND RESEARCH To achieve the above goals we need departments of marriage and family in various universities – producing experts, lecturers, good research, developing best practice interventions, writing books, holding conferences – creating a spill-over that supports marriage enrichment in other fields -religion, politics and social services. (many developed nations – like GB and Finland - don’t have even one department of marriage and family in their university system - while many married taxpayers struggle for years with fairly simple to fix relationship issues. Meanwhile universities offer several degree programs on gender issues or families in general. This is negligence in its highest form). See - http://mft.byu.edu/ for best practice 50

How can the state help? Counselling Support for Struggling Couples

Most couples who want to divorce are moderately struggling – not suffering from major abuse or violence – and supportive counselling can do a lot to help them through their difficulty

Only 12.5 percent of parents attending a marriage education program within three weeks of starting divorce proceedings went through with the divorce - Margie J. Geasler and Karen R. Blaisure, 1998

THERE ARE MANY OTHER THINGS STATES CAN DO TO SUPPORT THEIR CITIZENS MARITAL DREAMS – E.G.;  Marital enrichment classes as part of pre-natal courses. E.g.; Bring baby home program - www.bbhonline.org  Celebrate and strengthen marriage in local communities E.g. www.Firstthings.org  Marital support for couples going through short or long-term trauma (e.g.; unemployment, a disabled or sick child, a long-term illness, etc – all increase the chances of divorce)  Develop a marriage index – one that clearly identifies how well the marriages in your country are doing and set goals to increase positive outcomes See: www.americanvalues.org/pdfs/IAV_Marriage_Index_09_25_09.pdf for index ideas + a hundred other ideas for strengthening marriage Also: www.heritage.org/Research/Reports/2011/06/A-Marshall-Plan-for- Marriage-Rebuilding-Our-Shattered-Homes 52

 It’s important for governments to recognize that children have rights too – that they want a fruitful and happy life – and that is most likely to occur if they are raised by their two, married, biological parents, who receive support along their journey through life.  That’s what the next generation wants and needs and that’s what states should support with their finances 53

THE TIME TO ACT IN SUPPORT OF MARRIAGE IS NOW  Some states are already close to a financial tipping point of no return – they will go bankrupt if they carry on not supporting their citizens marital dreams.  If states today feel they don’t have the finances available to strengthen marriages, in 10 years time, with even more social problems to deal with, it will be close to impossible to find the money. 54

CONCLUSION: IF DEVELOPED NATIONS, OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS, HAD LEANT HOW TO SUPPORT THE MARITAL DREAM OF THE MAJORITY OF THEIR CITIZENS:

 Today’s marriages would be much more stable and loving places than they were in the 1950’s  We would have a society that was far richer

 Our jails would be far emptier

 Our drug problems far smaller

 Our children would grow up in a far friendlier society

Most people want marital success. What are we waiting for? 55

RELIGIONS CAN DO MUCH TO SUPPORT MARRIAGES

 Train members of your congregation:

 To give a variety of marriage education seminars,  To offer pre-marital counselling  To be mentor couples for newly-weds  To support couples that are going through a struggling time.  Create a community marriage policy – where every church, synagogue, mosque or temple in a city agrees to support marriage in the above ways – thus protecting the whole community  See www.communitymarriagepolicy.org 56

MARRIED COUPLES – KEEPING YOUR MARRIAGE HEALTHY TAKES EFFORT AND TIME BUT IT’S WELL WORTH IT

 The best way to love your children is to love your partner  Read a marriage education book together every year and improve your abilities to love  Go on a marriage enrichment seminar every 5 years

 Make time for each other – find interesting dates

 The number one predictor of a successful marriage – offer each other positive affection at least 5 times a day in a way that your partner appreciates 57

THE MEDIA – CREATES A LOT OF SOCIAL HARM BY PROMOTING ANTI-MARRIAGE NORMS

 The media can play a major role in supporting marriage – leading to a healthier society for all  The media needs to show more honesty – what really happens when people follow an anti-marriage path.  When the married boss leaves his faithful wife for the younger secretary – and marries her – he has a 90% chance of divorce  The STD’s and infertility that comes from jumping into bed on first or second dates or the negative effects of cohabitation  And to stop running marriage down and making every other form of romantic relationship look more exciting – not true  Media can also play a big role in showing healthy dating patterns, good communication strategies, enriching affection between 58 marital partners, etc

BUSINESSES CAN SUPPORT THE MARITAL DREAMS OF THEIR EMPLOYEES TOO

 A divorcing employee will lose at least a months or even 3 months output  One who is overly stressed at home will take many more days off work.  Holding relationship enrichment seminars in the work place – or just helping your employees develop new communication and teamwork skills – will help them become better employees too.  Couples in happier relationships are also more loyal employees. 59

IT’S NOT SURPRISING THAT CHILDREN DO BEST WHEN RAISED BY THEIR TWO MARRIED, BIOLOGICAL PARENTS  We are born with a strong emotional desire to know we are loved by the two people who created us.  After we know we’re loved, we more likely to be motivated to study and to behave appropriately.  And by working together our parents are more able to offer us material stability, protection and healthy modelling.

CONCLUSION: IT’S MARRIAGE OR BUST MARRIAGE, WHEN DONE RIGHT, WILL OFFER HUMANITY THE VERY BEST BLESSINGS THAT NATURE HAS TO OFFER.

– MARRIAGE – “one man, one woman, who invest together in their children to offer lineage improvement” is probably the most important word in the human language.

When something is important to you, you cherish it, value it, nurture it 61

SPECIAL THANKS GOES OUT

ALL the marriage experts who inspired this slideshow Stephen Stacey lectures on the couple relationship in Finland and runs marriage enrichment seminars www.creationofacouple.com

THE MEANING AND VALUE OF THE BLESSING From

Blessed Family and the Ideal Kingdom I / Blessing and Ideal Family Pages 386 - 394

THE BLESSING: THE IDEAL • The place of meeting of the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth and in Heaven. Also, it is the meeting place of the eternal world and the temporal world.

• Perfection of Man & Woman’s love = Perfection of the Universe, universal order and the vertical world.

• The Blessing is one man and one woman centering on God’s Will, becoming True Father and True Mother, producing True Love.” - pg 391

• The meaning of the Blessing is that True Parents and True Children are fulfilling the purpose of creation.

• You must know that you were to be the sons and daughters of God.

THE BLESSING : THE IDEAL

THE BLESSING: The Fall The perfection of Man & Woman’s love which is the perfection of the universe was broken as well as the universal order and the vertical world at the fall.

True Parents made Satan surrender – The Blessing is the place to inherit the ownership deed to True Parents accomplishments

The human ancestors fell and a man and a woman were chased out of the Garden of Eden, therefore the husband and wife must triumph over that situation. That is the Blessing.

The Blessing is the opportunity to triumph over the fall and to overcome the encapsulation of the vertical history of satanic sovereignty.

The Blessing is the banner for the battle against the satanic world.

THE BLESSING: The Fall

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History

The Blessing is the Marriage of the Lamb

The Blessing: The Consummation of Restoration History • The Blessing is the consummation of Christianity where the bride comes in front of the bridegroom

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • The Blessing is the starting time of the Messiah, who has the name of the Bridegroom and Bride.

THE BLESSING: The Consummation of Restoration History • The Blessing is the opening of Heaven’s door. You enter with your children.

• Heaven is entered after fulfilling the family.

• True Parents are taking responsibility for your life, for your eternity – that’s why the Blessing is so valuable for the value of one life is greater than the universe.

THE BLESSING: Your Responsibility

THE MEANING AND VALUE OF THE BLESSING