Developing our ability to love with a parental heart (1)

These days (I write this reflection on March 27, 2011) my letters about uniting and restoring the lost Heart of Brothers and Sisters and part three of the present series are the most popular blog posts on iUnificationist. They have come to stand in such a position because they deal with questions that need to be resolved and accordingly move many people‟s hearts and minds.

Sadly, we have generally not been doing great in restoring truly loving relationships and therefore Heaven has been investing especially into this essential task by inspiring e.g. subscribers of the Meeting House for international Unificationists to offer contributions in this e-group which encourage deeper relationships.

This fact is expressed in many ways, including the decision by the brothers who are doing the Rev. Moon Radio program to choose the theme RESTORATION: True Love, loving our enemies as one of their themes they spoke about.

The subscribers of iUnificationist were encouraged to think of “The Liberation of God” and mankind” and of putting “Faith’ in action“ or “Love is boundless giving”. Besides the many posts in relation to the tragedy in Japan and relieve efforts, brothers and sisters were invited to move away from an attitude of not feeling responsible, through the article “Going Reverse Course To Remove Apathy“.

When I began to post the series on recognizing God‟s guidance the first comment was on this website: “Now that is a very good question to ask in deed. Thank you Klaus for raising this question. Where do we find Heavenly Fathers loving guidance?

I would say in every single word that our beloved True Father spoke! I consider my self so lucky to live in the same Age as True Parents. While I was growing up, I had so many questions, that I was searching Answers for. But many times I could not find them. Today it is exactly the opposite, no matter what question I might have, I will find the Answer in ABOJI’S WORDS ! And by now we have 1000’s of Volumes of True Fathers Speeches, compiled in different Text Books or Materials. For example the *CHEON SYEONG GYEONG* is for me personally “Mind Blowing”. True Fathers detailed explanations about God, Adam & Eve, our purpose of Life, or how we are to live as Blessed Central Families and, and… the list goes on.!! Personally I have read many times from the books “ Blessed Family and the Ideal Kingdom” ( part one & two ) In all True Fathers Words and in every single word, I can perceive so much * HEAVENLY FATHERS LOVING GUIDANCE *

As God for thousands of years, and even since the beginning of Humankind, could not teach and educate us personally, which has caused tremendous grieve to God, Aboji said . And then later he could begin to speak through Prophets and certain Central figures, however it was always limited, because God had to speak through imperfect Channels ! In our age it is really the first time that God can, teach us directly

and clearly, what is on His Heart and Mind, because in our beloved True Parents, He has His PERFECT CHANNELS!

And as True Father said: “ In the 8 Textbooks, you can find all of God’s Truth, and all the Answers that you need for you to become a perfect Son or Daughter of God. I feel in awe and so privileged, to be able to study directly True Fathers Words. And so many times I perceive Heavenly Fathers Love, and *His Loving Guidance*, in those Words. Therefore I truly feel they are in deed *GODS LIVING WORDS !* * AJU * ** GLORY TO GOD & TRUE PARENTS **

It is certainly true that God has perfect channels for His Love in True Father and True Mother, but does He not want each one of us to convey His Love to His children? Of course, this is true, but how much do we invest into perfecting our ability to love in the same way as our Heavenly Parent?

He wants to educate us to learn to love in the right way and accordingly He has inspired people like Paul Saver to invest especially into this central realm of education and to share his insights with others, this is what Paul does in the iUnificationist Meeting House where his articles are very well received.

I wrote the following letter in response to his post “The Emotional Intelligence Of Our Second Gen.”

Dear brother Paul,

I would like to respond with this post to both your previous article “Emotion Coached Kids Do Better” and this one, whereby I find both of them truly inspiring and encouraging while I share the understanding you express in your valuable contributions.

Let me start with the simple statement that I am convinced that John Gottman is indeed a man of God (Gott is the word for God in German) who is fulfilling the task of a John the Baptist in the field of education in support of the overall mission of the True Parents of Humankind to bring the right tradition into family life.

Paul, I fully agree with the Great Benefits Of Emotion Coaching that John Gottman introduces in this book: “Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting” and I am happy to learn that this one book changed your parenting style forever.

I could relate very well to the two examples that you shared in your previous post about your own children and about dealing with an „Out of Control‟ 6th grader. Just like you I see that underneath our human behaviour there is a sea of emotions that need to be dealt with in the right way because “Human beings act more based on what they feel than what they think.”

It is very true as you write: “When we as parents or teachers, employ empathic listening, choosing to validate a child’s emotions and positively label the emotion, the child is soothed. At the same time that child’s heart begins to open to you the parental figure making it possible to help that child find solutions to their problems. This is the path to raising emotional intelligence.”

This applies of course not only to the realm of dealing with children, but just as well in how we treat others. As a person, who is by nature rather introverted and who prefers to listen than to speak I had countless good experiences in my life of how helpful it is to allow others to share their emotions, to listen to them attentively with a supportive heart and mind-set. In so many cases the mere fact that people could share freely in an atmosphere of being understood was already a substantial step forward towards resolving the issues they have been struggling with.

Paul, you are certainly right when you conclude that “underneath behavior is a world of emotions which require mastery in order to be successful in life. By ignoring or dismissing your child’s emotions, you can never get close and never really know them, nor can you help them to gain self mastery. The big pay off in employing an emotion coaching style of parenting is a child who develops into an adult who is happy, able to make friendships with ease, able to manage their own emotional state…”

In this article you tell us about what the brother, who had recently returned from serving a two year stint on STF Europe, told you – and I must say that I also agree with the observation of this brother, “a very Abel type person with a heart of gold… much loved by his parents” that it is true basically “ALL STF members lack confidence and self belief.”

Paul, the answer you received made you think that your “parenting was seriously lacking and perhaps the same is true of many other Second Gen parents who are doing their best but failing to really equip their children with the wherewithal, tools and clear sense of who they are so that they can be strong and confident to go out into the world to really make a difference.”

I am with you in this kind of thinking and concern, and advocate therefore that there must be much more investment especially on the level of STF education – because the majority of our Blessed Second Generation is already approaching the age when they may join this training - but this is a huge topic in itself which must be addressed.

Thank you very much, Paul, for inviting us to think about this important theme of Emotion Coaching, offering questions like:

1. Are your Second Gen children full of self confidence, self belief with a strong sense of who they are?

My answer according to what I have seen as reality in Blessed families in general is negative – they don‟t because the First Generation is lacking greatly in having the needed healthy self confidence that is rooted in a close relationship with our Heavenly Parent.

If the ones who joined our church decades ago had invested more into cultivating a heart to heart relationship with our Father/Mother in Heaven then we would see also the fruits in our Blessed children who could have inherited the foundation of their parents feeling well taken care of emotionally - through experiencing God‟s embracing Love substantially.

Sadly, such a situation is rather the exception than the rule and therefore I see the solution foremost in our investing more than ever into cultivating a personal heartistic relationship with our Loving Creator.

2. Do you think that it is the norm for most teens including Second Gen teens to be lacking in self confidence, lack of self belief and lack of self identity and that they need lots of time and life experience (like at least a decade or two?) to develop these aspects of themselves?

My answer to your second question, Paul, is that of course for any development time is necessary, but most of all people need positive experiences. It is not primary the amount of experiences that hastens growth but primarily the quality of what they are able to receive.

I see in every respect the key to growth the presence of parents who have internalized the art of Emotion Coaching and embody a true parental heart of an unconditionally loving mother or father. If our young people have such a person around, in the form of their own parents, or maybe in the person of their community pastor, then they will make great progress in advancing in the realm of true self confidence based on experiencing that one is truly loved without any conditions.

3. Do you think there is a way to fast track teens on the path to great emotional intelligence and therefore a life where they do make a huge impact even whilst in their teen years?

This question is already answered positively through what I said above. It is indeed possible if there is the presence of a person, of people, who have learned to be most sincere in front of God and their fellow man, and to connect emotionally in a close or intimate way so that deep love can flow freely.”

My dear brothers and sisters, I will continue to share centered on this important theme of Emotional Coaching in the following installment of this series and close here with the invitation for you to reflect anew about this topic as it is definitely very essential not only for the development of our Second Generation but for each human being to learn to care for others in the right way with a heart full of compassion and love, that has learned to use the logic of love more than any other technique in order to help others.

May we all succeed in deepening our ability to care for others with a parental heart.